THE REMAINS OF THE FAUX-BITUARIES
The Remains of the Faux-Bituaries
The following faux-bituaries came from members of our alive-and-well community and are listed in no particular order and exactly as received.
The Obituary
By Heather DeDona
Since things, such as age and place of birth can’t truly be proven, Heather would like to be known as having been born sometime in the early 1800s in the Countryside of Greece, though she has never been.
She would like to be remembered as a prolific writer that regaled others with her stories at the many cocktail parties to which she was never invited, from the books she never wrote.
She would like to be remembered as an eccentric in the best ways, always wearing a large peacock feather in her hat, though she owned none, for clothing she created from beautiful fabrics with deft hands though she owned no sewing machine and never learned to sew.
Those who were never invited to her home could tell you of her beautiful artwork hung on every wall found on far flung adventures in every corner of the globe, and one from Mars, perhaps. Her precious knick knacks were always dusted and well cared for, after all, they had been gifted to her by royalty, the famous, and her many suitors.
Her family and friends would like to remember Heather as one who lived a life of unfulfilled dreams that existed only in her fantastical thinking; dreams that only she knew could come true one day, just not in this lifetime or this place.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that instead you share your dreams with others and pursue them as Heather might have wished for you.
Obituary of Nandrea J Ward
Imagine a marriage between Walt Disney and the Great American Song Book, all volumes. Here Lies their “Love Child”. Born a “Carolina Girl” in 1959 always daring “To dream the impossible dream”. She knew “Someday her prince would come”. Her first two marriages “Made her wanna holler”. She learned “When to hold them, when to fold them” and ultimately when to “Let It Go!” She found “A whole new world” as a mother of three, “Her Girl” Ciani and “Let’s hear it for the boys”, Alexander and Jordan. After “Staying Alive” through two divorces she found “Her Guy” and “Went to the chapel ,gonna get married” to Charlie Ward Sr.
In her ” 9 to 5” she gained “ R-E-S-P-E-C-T” in advertising and marketing. After three decades of “Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho it’s off to work I go”, with only the “Bear necessities” , determined to “Do it her way”, “On her own” she began a small business. Ain’t’ misbehavin’ ,not “Born to be wild” ,she was one of those “Everyday people” who always looked for “Nothing but blue skies”. Her mantra was “You’ve got A Friend In Me” and she was often a” Bridge over troubled water” for many. Never looking at “Yesterday” but ahead “Somewhere over the rainbow”, with a “Hakuna Matata”, “Don’t worry, Be Happy” attitude. Guided by the “Circle of Life” and the “Amazing Grace” of the almighty, she left this world with a “Halleluiah” , “Until we meet again”.
Tim Josephs
Born in Plainfield, NJ, Tim Josephs came into the world between two major snowstorms. He then proceeded to wear shorts seemingly every day of his life. After an unsuccessful stint in the Coast Guard (no amount of Dramamine could help his sea sickness) and an ill-advised investment in an armadillo farm, he found his true calling on the pie-eating-contest circuit.
For over a decade, Tim was the dominant eater at Midwest county fairs, school bake-offs, and local carnivals stretching from Shaddock, Alabama, to Mortsville, Kansas, setting confectionary records everywhere he went. To this day, people in Grassturn, Arkansas, still talk about the 17 1⁄2 Boston Creams
he ate at their Arbor Day festival. After retiring, Tim became the manager of an up-and-coming pie eater, but due to the scandal involving stomach-stretching supplements (which he claimed to know nothing about), he was forced to resign. Several years later, Tim attempted a comeback, but when he didn’t even place in what was later dubbed the “Blueberry Beatdown,” he hung up his napkin forever.
Tim lived out the remainder of his days watching Australian rules football, building bird houses, and making a cucumber-infused beer that Homebrewer’s Monthly once described as a “bold choice.” He died peacefully at home, wearing his favorite jean cut-offs. Tim is survived by his wife, Helga, of 47 years,
their three children, and eleven grandchildren. The family is asking that any donations go to the Indigent Pie Eaters of America.
Tony Peacock 1961-2062
Tony Peacock, who won The National Hollerin’ Contest at Spivey’s Corner, North Carolina six times between 1999 to 2014, has died at the age of 101. Peacock promoted hollerin’, a traditional form of communication and self-expression that was practiced by farmers before most people in rural areas had automobiles or phones, long after Spivey’s Corner held its final contest in 2015. During its popular years, Peacock hollered for radio personalities around the world and on national television shows, including for late night entertainment hosts David Letterman and Stephen Colbert. He hollered in hospitals, churches, and in a Buddhist Zen Center. Later, he continued to holler for thousands of elementary school children that he worked with through the Artists in the Schools Program in Wake County.
Inspiring kids to write their own stories when teaching his five-day residency program, “Practicing the Art of Narrative Writing,” was one of his greatest joys. He often told students that there was no practical need to holler in today’s world but that learning to write well was an essential skill in achieving one’s goals. Hollerin’ became a reward for young word artists after a week of writing well. A 1984 graduate of UNC Chapel Hill, Peacock was a life-long Tar Heel fan who bled Carolina Blue.
Peacock loved God. He loved his wife, Susan. He loved his golden retriever, Champ, and his orange cat, Raphael. He died peacefully in his sleep on December 4 at his home in Silk Hope.
C’est la vie!
By B. Rosson Davis
“Wish not so much to live long as to live well.” Ben Franklin 1738
Known for her hospitality and culinary magic, Ruby Trueblood left this earthly plain for higher ground when a flash-flood trapped her in the basement, causing her swift demise. So they say . . . (Drowned, with jars of Trueblood Pickled Beets floating around her.)
Ruby was famed for the mystery-ingredient in her dishes, plus, those Trueblood beets, and, her Succotash! (Really? Succotash?!)
Trueblood’s own words: “In my salad days, green in judgement, I had a flair for the rare (surprise) ingredient in my recipes. I catered parties, also entertained at home. I knew instinctively a little foolery makes a great show. My guests remember one such dinner party, when, after dining, I played dead . . . Sudden death . . . Chimes at midnight, (the whole bit). Uneasy lies the head . . . (Yes! My head, wherein All my secret recipes reside.) Forgetting that delays have dangerous ends, I played dead a bit too long! Alas, left breathless! On the dining-room floor! What can I say? . . . It’s not the years in your life, it’s the life in your years!”
Ruby Trueblood may, or may not, be food for worms. She left no forwarding address. Surprise! Ruby, on her patio, seen eating homemade Chili, and reading Poor Richard’s Almanac, Ben Franklin’s witty words: Fart if you must, fart often. Fart proudly!
Ruby, farting proudly, caught a whiff of . . . her newly conceived faux-obit . . . worthy of a FARTthing! C’est la vie!
Laura Smith
Laura died a happy person.
Knowing she had reached her full potential in this life.
Laura died knowing that the one person who taught her unconditional love, her beloved dad, would be proud of the beautiful, purposeful and intentional life she created for herself.
And to bestow upon those people and pets she loved the same unconditional love she received from him was her life’s goal.
Zen Achieved.
Sara Dutilly
Sara Dutilly was always searching for a pen, and often without a suitable one. She was also constantly losing her scraps of notepaper. (A $10 reward will be given to anyone who has found one, likely with scribbles and arrows and half of the words crossed out. Don’t be fooled; there’s a poem in there somewhere.)
Sara grew up on the beaches of central Florida and moved to the piedmont of North Carolina for college, swearing she would be sweating on her beach immediately after graduation, and would never get married.
A few months later, she met the only man she could ever live with. Together, they raised four children on used books, fresh bread, and plenty of beach vacations.
Sara forced her kids into learning French by randomly translating phrases as often as she could, which wasn’t that often since she never learned how to properly conjugate the verbs. Many thanks to the Scuppernong Books French conversation group where she learned she could at least follow a conversation.
Fully dedicated to her sourdough starter, Felicia, who was the real keeper of her happy home. We are now entirely unsure what to do with Felicia (does anyone need a starter?) I’m sure Sara would like nothing more than to sit on the porch with her husband one last time, especially during a rainstorm, sipping fresh, strong coffee and snuggling her children.
Sorry mom, we’re too big now, but we can still hear your goodnight whispers. Bonne nuit, Maman.
Shirley Topping Maxwell
I was born; I blinked; and it was over.
Before I died and went to heaven, I was 90 years old! It was such a short life. I thought I would live forever. Life was good for me! I had a ball! I did some remarkable things in my life! I also sinned and did some really bad things while praying and asking God’s forgiveness!
Coming thru the pearly gates and meeting Saint Peter was an ordeal because I didn’t think he would let me in. I was standing there with confusion and questions on my face, starring at him with eyes as big as saucers at all the beauty surrounding me. Just as I was getting ready to open my big, fat mouth, which had always got me into tons of trouble, and I knew that some someday it would keep me out of heaven: but no, here I stand at Heaven’s Gate trembling, facing Saint Peter, waiting on my fate, when he said to me, “Well, Missy, what are you waiting for, come on in before I change my mind.” His words threw me for a loop as I stumbled thru the gate like some drunk. So, this is how I got into heaven.
As I walked thru the golden gate, I heard choirs of angels singing and I said, “Thank you Jesus!” I breathed a sigh of relief and repeated my favorite hymn, “It is Well with My Soul.”
Duty and Kindness
By Jonathan Maxwell
In the 1940s, a gangly Duke Divinity student named Asmond Maxwell, traveling with a caravan of fellow seminary students, met a keen Stanford nursing student named Helen Gates at her home in Artesia, New Mexico. They were smitten.
From parents Asmond and Helen, Jonathan (Jon) and siblings Susan, Pete, and David learned two important lessons. First, work to discover a calling that you find meaningful and worthwhile (be it attorney, educator, Navy/commercial pilot, or textile executive). Second, as you go about your work and daily lives, conduct yourself with kindness toward others. What a perfect gift.
Jon was third born. Following college and law school, he served a year as a law clerk on the North Carolina Supreme Court, with Justice (and former Governor, and mentor) Dan K. Moore. Following a stint in practice, his career was primarily as County Attorney for Guilford County. He was responsible for
advising and representing several thousand county officials, departments, and employees, and over 400,000 county citizens in all venues, including the United States and North Carolina Supreme Courts. He was elected president, then outstanding county attorney, of the state association.
0n a fine summer day along the way, in Yellowstone Park, he met and married Caroline, which has lasted for 53 years. They have had many grand adventures. Their cherished son Gavin has produced three happy grandchildren. And Jon has been Big Brother to Russell for 47 years. Jon has been a lucky guy.
Rest in Peace
By Cindy Argiento
Let me say that my demise came at a bad time as I was grappling with the fact that I got my first gray nose hair. Embarrassing!
Years ago I accepted the gray hair on my head, but gray nose hairs? No way! This was adding insult to injury as another birthday was creeping up on me. I imagined people walking up to the coffin, looking at me and whispering to each other, “Oh, she really let herself go. Why, just look at those gray nose hairs!
Didn’t she see them?” Yes, I saw them! I had plans to go to Target for a nose trimmer, but obviously that didn’t happen! I know! I know! I should have ordered from Amazon, especially since it was a Prime Deal Day.
I couldn’t predict what course my life would take and how long it will last, but in closing I’d like to bestow upon you some nuggets of wisdom from my not long enough life. Cremation is the way to go; you can’t die of embarrassment twice!
I would like to say, “See you when you get here,” but that depends on which way you go.
Bernard Rascoe Jr.
To whom it may concern, I regret to announce the death of me. Bernard Rascoe Jr. My arrivial time July 28th 1961, Deported July 29th 2025. I would imagine that there are mixed feelings about this great event , I truly know I have some, willing and unwilling. If you can Dig Dat? Hopeful of me to be going Up There, Devilishly of Me the parties goin on Down there. To my own regret the opportunities of doubt that has led to the Sinlessness of Fun , Adventures and more Sex, HeeHee. Along with the Lifelessness of Not living on the Edge of the other side. For the Concerned and those Not concerned, It was told to me Many years ago, “ Don’t Take Life Too Seriously, You’ll Never get out of it Alive” Buggs B told Me Dat, while my Brain was still so very Young and Mushy. So Remember the Sand in Our own Hourglass, Mine has Ran out. What will You do with the Rest of Your’s ? One thing for sure I’ve never been to a Furneal where the light was shined on Both sides of The Honored Guest. Guess what I won’t start now, Yikes I just got a Tap on My shoulder, And a Kick in the Pants. I’m being summonsed to both places, Wondering Do I Have A Choice? Either way I’ll see some familiar faces. Your’s Truly. Bernard Rascoe Jr. Aka Lil Man !!!
Obituary for Larry Tomar
On this date Larry Tomar from Greensboro, North Carolina passed away peacefully at his home. The native of Pennsauken, New Jersey was a man of many talents including a gifted athlete, a singer, a guitar player, a racing photojournalist, and a trout fly fishing enthusiast. A 1968 graduate of Rider University (Lawrenceville, NJ) with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Insurance, Larry served in the US Army for 3 years, stationed in Korea and at Ft Bragg, NC where he met his wife and decided to make this state his new home for over 50 years. Larry worked for several insurance companies as a Personal Lines
Underwriter for 35 years and earned the prestigious CPCU designation in 1984. Larry worked in racing for over 45 years winning several awards for his photography and writings. He was the General Manager at Ace Speedway a NASCAR Weekly track for five years, the track announcer at Caraway Speedway another NASCAR track for 2 years, and held several positions at NASCAR’s oldest weekly track, Bowman Gray Stadium for over 40 years. Athletically he competed in the North Carolina Senior Games winning many gold medals in the basketball, softball, and football events. He also played competitive basketball until his death three times a week. Larry was a member of two singing groups that specialized in performing 50’s and 60’s music. And at the young age of 76 he started taking guitar lessons. He simply lived life to its fullest in all his activities.
Obituary of Kristi J Benedict
Kristi passed away peacefully, surrounded by loved ones.
She entered into eternal rest, having completed her life’s journey.
She leaves behind friends and family, the loves of her life.
She worked, she played, she learned.
She had a few jobs, she cleaned, she fixed, she created.
She made mistakes, she did better.
She struggled, she triumphed, she mourned.
She made a great grilled pimento cheese sandwich.
Most of all, she did her best and was thankful for the goodness in her life.
Mr. Jack Barry
Mr. Jack Barry, age 81, of High Point, concluded his earthly odyssey on Saturday, June 28, 2025, in Atlanta, Georgia. Born in Scratch Ankle, Alabama on August 26, 1943, his parents were anonymous “carnival side-show folk”.
The circumstances of Mr. Barry’s unfortunate demise should be a lesson to all. According to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution Mr. Barry was visiting Zoo Atlanta at the time of his death. At the gorilla habitat he inexplicably decided to climb onto the railing and “moon” Kudzoo, a 31-year-old female Western Lowland Gorilla who was lounging in the shade of a faux rocky outcrop near the moat. Trousers around his ankles, the aged Mr. Barry lost his balance and tumbled backwards into the moat. Kudzoo, who had been following Mr. Barry’s antics with keen interest, immediately leapt into the moat and pulled him to
safety, dragging him kicking and screaming to the rocky outcrop where she amorously cradled him in her arms and made cooing sounds to calm him. This idyllic scene was soon interrupted by a 400-pound silverback male named Taz who rushed up to the now peaceful couple, roaring and thunderously pounding his chest. The enraged Taz then grasped Mr. Barry and cuffed him repeatedly about the head and shoulders before tossing him back into the moat, where he drowned.
Mr. Barry was likely preceded in death by his parents. He is survived by several siblings, a wife, children, and grandchildren, all of whom, understandably, declined to be identified.
Jenny Kim
Jenny Kim passed away at 105. Jenny really started living during the second half of her life, so that is where we will start. After spending the first half chasing accolades, job, marriage, and doing her deeply flawed but best personal efforts to raise two beautiful children, she realized that the big 5-0 milestone was not that far away. “Wait!” she cried in her head. She vowed to let herself play – yes play again!
She took guitar lessons and a Zoom singing class. Within 2-3 years she was writing her own songs, sometimes as many as one new song a month! There was so much she needed to express unapologetically to herself and the Universe.
She started a cold plunge club called the “Brave Souls”.
She played pickleball, dodgeball, softball, and ping pong.
She got a part-time job teaching yoga again after a long drawn out hiatus and added waterfit to her teaching repertoire. This shy introverted woman was now jumping to dance hits on the pool deck.
She started drawing dog comics and published them into a book. See https://www.amazon.com/Empty-Nester-Dog-Children-Jenny/dp/B0F84FHJZB
She loved studying and teaching tai chi to bring others into the “power of now”, as coined by Eckhart Tolle. She encouraged others to embrace personal growth and the discomfort of working outside of their comfort zone. She practiced regularly until the very end and had amazing presence, poise, strength, and youthfulness.
Jenny was a late bloomer to life. But she truly lived before she died. Ahh satisfaction.
Nancy Runner’s Obit in 250 Words
Nancy has left the building. She Got Stung by A Sweet Honey Bee. She leaves behind her beloved children Bubba, Jr. and Little Sister and four grandchildren. They Were Always on My Mind, she said. Her former husband, Bubba, Sr., survives. A long time ago he asked Nancy to Wear My Ring, Around Your Neck. Back then, they both said Love Me Tender. Now, Marie’s the Name (of His Latest Flame). But please, no Crying in the Chapel.
Nancy stayed out of Heartbreak Hotel. She was unique. A new friend may come along, but She’s Not You. So, Rock a Hula, baby, and have A Little Less Conversation. It Won’t Seem Like Christmas (without her). But Party on, Until It’s Time for You to Go.
Of course, she could be A Hard-Headed Woman, but she was only a Devil in Disguise. You Can’t Help Falling in Love with her. There were some Suspicious Minds, those with Wooden Hearts. They are All Shook Up now, to have lost her friendship.
Are You Lonesome Tonight? With A Mess of Blues? Is Nancy Always on Your Mind? She sends you A Big Hunk O’ Love. Remember Viva Las Vegas and all the good times. Don’t waste your precious life. It’s Now or Never. Nancy loved Amazing Grace and she has Returned to Sender. She said, I Just Can’t Help Believing.
She’ll always remember The Wonder of You.
Clint Bowman’s Obituary
Clint Bowman, 30, died this past Sunday at 11:00 a.m. as the church crowd exited the sanctuary. He passed away peacefully in his garden while watering a weed beside his prized lilac bush. His old dog, Hugo, also took his final breath upon realizing his best friend had left.
A neighbor found them curled up together, with Hugo content as a little spoon.
Bowman, known for his contributions to the Sunday School Happy Hour, is survived by his wife, Britney, and orange tabby, Hazel. Both have requested donations to Bowman’s favorite charity, To Hell With Urban Sprawl, in lieu of flowers.
Bowman’s funeral will take place in his garden next Sunday at approximately 10:00 a.m., when the church will be participating in communion. Hugo’s funeral will immediately follow during the “greet your neighbor” portion of the service.
Britney has requested all attendees to mark their calendars for the same time on the following Sunday, when she and Hazel will be laid to rest next to Bowman and Hugo. Donations for their service should be directed to the Pink Pony Club of Black Mountain, NC. Celebrations for the whole family will cease at the end of the month, or when the kegs run dry.
In Loving Memory of Verity Smith
(January 10, 1924- March 7, 2025)
By Kendra E. Winston
Upon my death, I transformed into a scented Monarch Butterfly. As I fluttered with a large kaleidoscope of butterflies with great strength in the sky, the weather was beautiful. I love to fly in the radiant sunlight and stop for a break to drink diet nectar.
I choose to write this obituary because I wanted to be remembered to all as having spread my wings to fly away to a higher place. I leave behind my last words: “Please don’t mourn for me, make good choices and stay out of trouble. As it is hard to identify me amongst all the multicolored wings in the wind. I’m okay and love good ole sweet freedom for several days until I die again.”
Before I died, I was Verity Smith, a young, bright homemaker and a humming gardener and 101 years old. I passed away while sitting on the back porch and chatting with my younger sister, Mary Ann, in Oconee, South Carolina. My birthdate is 1/10/1924. I obtained my Greenhouse Degree in 1944 at the age of 20. I loved growing sunflowers and never got to live on a farm and grow Christmas Trees.
Surviving members include my parents, grandparents, great grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. A memorial service will be held and is open to the public. Funeral arrangements are private as the family grieves the loss of me.
Donna Finley Combs
Would you come to my funeral if I die today?
Would you speak of me, sing a song and offer to pray?
Now death is not the end – I hope you think there’s another gig.
And if I kick the bucket, plan a rousing, super shindig.
I want to go out with bright lights shining colorful and bold,
Music playing, people swaying, and food to suit all told.
Sing the songs of Charles Wesley, Bill Gaither, of course some rock and roll,
Don’t forget the big band era, jazz and blues, a waltz smoothly slow.
There won’t be time to do this party if you start in the afternoon,
So get it going a 9:00 am and play ’til half through June.
I would love to have some roses, Queen Elizabeth, and Double Delight.
Maybe a few Blue Girls, Mr. Lincoln, and Nicole Carol Miller cut right.
Now it’s important to me that you honor my last big request.
Would you put it on my gravestone where I lie at Mt. Pleasant in rest?
“Here lies another person, not wealthy of fame or gold,
But one who loved our God and all those in His fold.”
Emboss a glorious oak tree upon the face of my graveyard granite
So others will see what I treasured most on this earthly planet.
Remember that I love you and you are precious to me,
May your life be full of love and wisdom for eternity.
Charlie McBrayer Broadway Jr.
I am Charlie McBrayer Broadway Jr. age 67 and I wrote this O bitch,uary Numerous head injuries and concussions (Been knocked out nine times not counting football),and some recent heart diagnosis made me want to do this as I do not wish to burden my family with this chore. Hopefully I’ll live a long time and nobody will read this for at least 20 years! I was born June 1st 1955 and I’ve lived almost my entire life in Greensboro. I had a wonderful family life and was blessed with two very loving, caring and kind parents,Sarah and Charles Broadway. I was also blessed with such a wonderful sister and brother-in-
law,Jean and Bill Skidmore! Although we had a modest upbiringing, it was very loving, and had so many happy memories. I graduated Wake Forest University in 1977 and was lucky to graduate as I was not the scholarly type. In fact, some say first grade was the best three years of my academic career.. Later in life, I found out I was dyslexic, ADD and totally color blind which helped explain a lot. At Wake Forest I was in the sigma phi epsilon fraternity and majored in business and minored in philosophy. After graduation, married my high school sweetheart, Anne McCoy and we had two beautiful children
Katherine and Charles (now Chuck).They have been an extreme source of happiness ever since birth.Shortly after graduation, I was employed by McCoy Lumber and learned a great deal from my ex-father-in-law Hal McCoy who I am eternally grateful for! In 1990 with the insolvency of McCoy Lumber (and my marriage)I decided to start Spartan Forest Products.A though I did not have much money or talent I was blessed with much “Luck” and in 1995 Spartan Forest made “The Inc. 500″” as the 111th fastest growing private US companies. My second marriage was to Elaine Victory. Both marriages provided much happiness but were like a square peg in a round hole. I am grateful to both as I have learned to appreciate my partner Gail Fulp.
Michael Chamelin
