You Know I’m Right
(Even if you hate to admit it)
By Susan S. Kelly
In the Declaration of Independence, when our forefathers wrote, “We hold these truths to be self-evident,” they left a few truths out. Not Murphy’s Law kind of truths, or Wouldn’t You Just Know It truths, the kind that make you cuss. My truths are far, far bigger, better, truer. They’re You Know I’m Right truths.
— If you lined up all the note pads with your name on them that people have given you throughout the years, they’d stretch from the kitchen sink to the staircase. (My sister has actually done this.)
— Crème horns, Krispy Kreme cream-filled (not custard) doughnuts, and Little Debbie Oatmeal Cakes are nothing but vehicles for the white goo inside.
— Do not engage with enraged mothers, sea gulls, or ivy.
— Anything annual — oyster roast, house party, frat bro reunion — gets old after a while.
— “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” has a lot to say about rejoicing, but it basically sounds like a dirge.
— The worst reflection you’ll ever see of yourself is in the mirrored strip at the meat counter in the grocery store while you’re leaning over to examine the pork tenderloins.
— Money may be a tacky gift, but no one ever returns it.
— A christening party is the most demanding entertaining you’ll ever have to do in the guise of a casual nothing-to-it affair. You have to look good, the baby has to look good, your house has to look good, and the food has to taste good. And it all has to be done before noon. Sober.
— Whoever goes first in Tic-tac-toe is going to win.
— If your grass doesn’t look good in April, you’re sunk for the summer.
— Some people hate sweet potatoes; some people hate the dentist. But everyone hates the word “moist.”
— The original, jaunty version of “Carolina In My Mind” is superior to the slow, melancholic, later version.
— Christmas season yard inflatables spend 99 percent of the Christmas season deflated in the yard.
— What is the big deal with the Mona Lisa?
— You actually wish hotels would just go ahead and install big, wall-mounted shampoo and bath gel dispensers so you wouldn’t feel compelled to take the mini-bottles when you already have dozens.
— The first people to arrive at funerals are from out of town. They had to gauge how long it would take to drive and then add a safety buffer.
— Wouldn’t you like to see the machine that peels those already-peeled hardboiled eggs at the grocery store in action?
— No matter what the prayer book says, “the peace that passeth all understanding” is when all of your children get invited to spend the night with friends on the same night.
— Food served in spoons at cocktail parties is so awkward it makes you feel like an infant. The rim means you can’t eat it sideways, so you have to feed yourself frontways, like your mother did playing airplane with lima beans.
— You know I’m right. Convene the founders. Amendments on the table. OH
Susan Kelly is a blithe spirit, author of several novels, and proud grandmother.