Tea Leaf Astrologer

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 18)

You’ve heard the tale of the two wolves, right? The good wolf and the bad wolf at battle within each of us? The one you feed is the one who wins. This wisdom is particularly applicable for you this month, Water Bearer. Although your wolves may have different names — visionary and fool, perhaps — the message is the same. Which animal will you feed?

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s time to shake some dust.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Rainbows and sunshine, baby.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

Say it with flowers.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Probiotics with the assist. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You can’t rush your own spring.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The cake is not done.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Just use what you’ve got. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Trust your inner compass. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t forget to claim your prize.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sometimes the shortcut isn’t a shortcut. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Shake it and start over.  OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Here’s what they don’t tell you about goat yoga: You become the mat. “What’s the harm in a bit of hair nibbling?” you might wonder. “Even the droppings are kind of cute.” When you’re accustomed to being the goat, it’s easy to see the world in this way. Others are less amused. This month, as you deftly scale whatever obstacles might arise on your path, try not to step on your allies’ toes. Honoring boundaries will get you further. 

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Wear your sunglasses.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The remedy is within you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Check the mailbox.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ve made your own bed.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Go for the twin pack.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The eagle has landed.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll know the red flag when you see it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Rule of thumb: Rinse before use.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Move the plot forward.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Someone needs a hug.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Just take the stairs.  PS

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Life’s Funny

Quite A Spectacle

One woman’s perennial hunt for reading glasses

By Maria Johnson

“Are those your glasses?” asked the man in the broad-brimmed hat.

I looked down to see a pair of reading glasses with tortoise-shell frames lying on the folding table between us.

“Maybe,” I said.

He looked puzzled.

“I found them over there, where you were sitting,” he said helpfully.

I had been sitting in the grass, on my jacket, watching a high school tennis tournament.

I picked up the glasses from the table, flipped down another pair of reading glasses from atop my head — my dual-purpose headband for the last few years — and unfolded the temples, looking for a hint of ownership.

+2.5

Close enough.

“Yep, thanks,” I said, stuffing the glasses into my jacket pocket, where they ran into — you guessed it — another pair of reading glasses.

I maintain a fleet because I’m in limbo, caught between the eagle eyes of my youth and the need for prescription lenses.

For now, my dollar-store magnifiers do the job. When I can find them.

Where do they go? Search me.

And my car.

And house.

And yard.

Those are the places I scour when I’m faced with small print and no specs in sight.

“Reading glasses?” my husband asks calmly whenever he sees me tossing aside sofa cushions, peering under beds, patting down hoodies or churning through our coat closet, turning pockets inside out.

When I’m desperate, I go granular, checking the interior pockets of my suitcase, purses I carry only at funerals and
the garden.

Once I was talking to a neighbor over a bed of irises. He kept looking down.

“Are those your glasses?” he finally asked.

I followed his eyes to the rhizomes.

“Maybe,” I said.

I stooped over, picked them up, rubbed the dirt off the lenses and put them on.

“Yep. Thanks.”

I think you see the pattern.

I know, I should put my reading glasses in a certain place when I’m not using them.

I do — on top of my head.

Usually this works. Sometimes too well.

I remember being at the beach, reading under an umbrella, when one of my sons walked up.

“Mom, do you know you have four pairs of glasses on your head?” he asked.

I knew about two of them. They were on my face: one pair of regulation sunglasses and one pair of readers propped in front of them.

Granted, it’s a look that will never land me in a fashionable eyewear advertisement, but I highly recommend it if you want people to leave you alone while you’re reading at the beach.

Without taking my eyes off the page, I raised a hand to the top of my head, where I felt two more pairs in storage.

“Yep. Thanks.”

“Just checking,” he said before dashing off.

I glanced at the mesh bag beside
me. A back-up pair stared at me, glassy-eyed. Check.

The way I figure it, readers are cheap, and the more I flood the market, so to speak, the better the odds of me finding a pair when I need them.

There’s a reason they’re sold in packs, right? As with anything you pick up and put down several times a day — pens, your cell phone, small children —  people expect you to misplace them once in a while.

Unfortunately, reading glasses, unlike kids and cell phones, make no noise when you call them.

Really, the only alternative is one of those old-lady chains that make a “necklace” out of your glasses.

Again, I offer a cost-reward calculation: reading-glasses-at-the-ready versus an accessory that magnifies your aging décolletage 2.5 times.

Yes, there’s a price to pay for living the unleashed life. It’s called dusting your breakfast cereal with chili pepper instead of cinnamon. Olé.

Or going to the store to buy a new box of glasses and not being able to read the box because . . .

But honestly, there’s an upside, too.

Recently, I invited a friend to lunch at my house.

I dusted, vacuumed and straightened up to a degree that I thought was passable, then I put on my reading glasses to check a text and looked around.

“Oh, man,” I said aloud. All of the minor smudges and crumbs around the kitchen jumped out.

There was only one thing to do: I took off my glasses as fast as I could.

Much better.

My friend arrived minutes later. She was carrying her toddler grandson, whom she had not misplaced. Yay.

And better yet, she wore no glasses.

Shew.  OH

Maria Johnson is a contributing editor of O.Henry. Contact her at
ohenrymaria@gmail.com.

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

We all know you’re the live wire of the zodiac. A hell of a party guest, too. But you’re so much more than a wildcard or a cheap thrill or a flaming hot mess. You’re kind, generous and far more sensitive than people realize. This month, Venus is in your sign until Dec. 9 and Jupiter is finally direct. Like it or not, you’ll be a magnet for love, money and luck. Just remember that your energy is precious. You get to choose who’s worthy of basking in it.

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Try aiming a bit higher.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Do yourself a favor: Call it what it is.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The end isn’t always the end.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

You’ll be fine.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

The jokes are getting a bit stale.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Normalize active listening.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Is it time to take out the trash?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s all fun and games — or is it escapism?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Spice things up: Go for the two-ply.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Consider an alternate route.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If it doesn’t bring you joy, then what are you even doing? OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

They say one rotten apple spoils the barrel. Let’s put it this way: Your thoughts are the apples. While you aren’t prone to having more wormy ones, per se, you’re certainly more inclined to hold onto them. Grudges, in particular. Those closest to you can sense when you’re stewing, but no one knows how dismal it can feel to be dancing to the same noxious tune ad nauseum. Remember that you’re the DJ. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. 

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Best not to think twice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Let them talk. You know the truth.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Set an extra plate at the table.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Chew before you swallow.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Bring a poncho.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

This might sting: There’s nothing between the lines.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Try rotating your mattress.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Wear the dang sweater.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’re asking the wrong question.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Go for the store-bought.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Something’s overheating. (Hint: It’s not dinner.)  OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

It’s hard to find balance in a world so positively askew. Even for you, Libra. And yet, you make it look easy. Contorting yourself with such subtle mastery that no one seems to notice you’re bent out of shape. Let the plates fall. Draw yourself a bath. The Earth will keep spinning while you recharge. And with the blustery energy of the new moon and partial solar eclipse sweeping in on October 25 — a breath of fresh air — it may be time to unearth a hidden passion. 

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In through your nose, out through your mouth.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Slow down and proceed with caution.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

It’s time to clear the cobwebs, darling.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The door was never locked.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Two words: system reboot.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Butter won’t save the stale bread.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Try sweetening the pot.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

There’s an app for that.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t leave yourself at the altar.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Opening a window might help.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Concentrate and ask again.    OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Before a Virgo bakes a pie, they have already sliced it a dozen times in a dozen different ways. They have considered everything: how the vegan butter might affect the flakiness of the crust; whether the pie should be chilled before sliced; which knives to use for scoring and cutting; et cetera, et cetera. We know you’re analytical. But birthdays are meant to be fun. No need to dissect the flavor out of every slice. You’ll kill your own buzz.

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The knots will untangle themselves.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t overthink it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Rinse and repeat.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Three words: Know your audience.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Cut the rope. You know what I’m talking about.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The answer is chocolate.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Take a breather.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

You’re paddling upstream again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Do they know that it’s a game to you?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Someone needs a hug.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Go for the upgrade.  OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Here’s what the other signs struggle to understand about Leos: You’re not seeking the spotlight; you are the spotlight. Nothing delights you more than basking the ones you love most in your incomparable generosity and warmth. Unless it’s your birth month. They should know that one day is not enough to celebrate the vastness of your glory; it’s your turn to be pampered and spoiled. That said, if they happen to blow it — very likely — try channeling your wrath into something productive. Like making better friends.   

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Digest this: It’s not your problem to fix.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Take your vitamins.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Just walk away.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The miracle isn’t always obvious.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

One word: moderation.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Try giving a tinker’s damn.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Watch your step.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Dust off your dancing shoes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

It’s all the same coin.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re fooling no one.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The drawing board is your friend.  OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

If ever you’ve ridden a drop tower — one of those gut-in-your-throat “free fall” rides at the carnival — then you can imagine what it feels like to know and love a Cancer. But only those born under the influence of this cardinal water sign know what it’s like to be perpetually at the whim of such sensational pinnacles and descents. This month will be no different, especially with that full supermoon on July 13. May as well enjoy the ride.

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Something needs watering. Hint: It’s not a plant.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

You can’t see the signs if your eyes are closed.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Let the tea steep.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You already know the answer.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Keep moving. They’ll come around or they won’t.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You’re thinking the fun out of it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The prize is never inside the box.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Tell it to your dream journal.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Best to get it straight from the source.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

Leave your phone. Forget the umbrella. Let life happen.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The invitation will be obvious. OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla. 

Tea Leaf Astrologer

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ve heard the boiling frog myth. Stick a frog in a pot of boiling water and it will jump out; but stick one in cool water that is gradually heated and, yep, it cooks. Don’t go meddling in the wrong pot, Gemini. And, certainly, don’t get complacent there. Known for their clever and charming nature, this ever-babbling air sign has a knack for nosing their way into other people’s business. Consider turning that devotion inward before things get slimy.

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Give it time. The wound becomes the medicine. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It was never about the honey.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Ditch the training wheels.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve mastered subtlety. Don’t be surprised that no one’s noticed.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Let the patterns clash.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Maybe take it down a notch. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Reply hazy. Try again.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Does the phrase “dirty laundry” mean anything to you? 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

More porch swings, less mood swings.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re cutting against the grain again.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You are what you eat. Try adding some flavor.  OH

Zora Stellanova has been divining with tea leaves since Game of Thrones’ Starbucks cup mishap of 2019. While she’s not exactly a medium, she’s far from average. She lives in the N.C. foothills with her Sphynx cat, Lyla.