The Accidental Astrologer

The New and the Proud

Transformation is the name of the game

By Astrid Stellanova

The new year’s percolating, the stars are circulating and a new you is brewing. . .  Or an old you looking like it is walking back, doing the Benjamin Button reverse strut.

Time to make self-renewal an inside job, Star Children. It is a brutally difficult process, true enough, but ignore at your own peril. Otherwise, we will be tsk-tsking all of 2020 about how nobody has ever done so little with so much.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

In simple terms, karma is best put: “Ha, Ha, Ha!” Someone has made your life complicated, and it appears they have wedged themselves into your reality and have started occupying more than a little space in your head. Evict them. Honeybun, you don’t have to be a cactus expert to recognize a real prick. 

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Hush up, Puppy! You got what you want, and like the dog chasing the car, you gotta figure out what to do now that you’ve caught it.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

If it’s the thought that counts, Sugar, you could be sitting in jail. You’ve had to face off with a worthy adversary, so now find your inner peace before they shred that, too.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Good heart, bad mouth. That would just about fit on your tombstone. A kinder, gentler world may begin with small things, like you giving up cussin’ and swearin’.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Time to get your own health and life on track to avert scary stuff. The seesaw you’re on has you stewing in your own stress, and believing a balanced meal is a cookie in both hands.   

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

This month offers chances to alter your life from status quo sis boom blah, to va-va-voom! The changes you crave are reachable; begin at the beginning. Choose differently.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Yankee or Y’all? Pick a team. Influences have made you question your roots, values, sense of self, even your identity. Honey, get grounded, meditate and re-evaluate.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Under threat, you tend to hide in your comfort zone, which is like a sleeping bag kind of comfort; but with no style. Even Norma Kamali couldn’t make over this schleppy look.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Obsession looms large for you this month. A hobby overtakes you. Were you crazy even before the goat yoga? Check that tendency to overdo anything worth doing.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21

Time to plunge both hands into the cookie jar. Get piggy with it. Allow yourself to get totally wrapped up in something. Immersion will finally cure an old itch for you.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Y’all ain’t right. But it has been so much fun playing, you might not want to stop. In the meantime, pay attention to numbers around you. Sugar, seven signifies something.

Capricorn (December 22–January19)

Attitude adjustment: Yeah? No. Say the word, often and firmly, to a very stubborn close one who thinks they will always, and should always, get their way. It stops now.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

Grins and Giggles

Cancerians bring light and light-heartedness to the darkness

By Astrid Stellanova

A whole lot of July Star Children are born with a funny streak, and live for shenanigans. One is that high-larious actor Ken Jeong, the doctor and comedian who just so happens to be a Page High School alum. Recently he revisited his local roots to deliver the commencement at UNCG — and delivered the grads from taking themselves too seriously.

The fun and fabulous Sofia Vergara, Will Farrell and comic genius Robin Williams were born under the sign of Cancer. How ironic that the sign of the crab should produce so many big wits and comedians. Like the stars, they light the darkness.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

That double-dang double-crosser who broke your trust will get theirs, and you won’t have to lift a pinky. Not to worry one second. Let’s put it this way: If you were a comic book hero, you’d be known for your super power of . . . judgey-ness. You have super powers you have never even explored. Like an incredible talent for sussing up a situation and knowing when to hightail it outta Dodge.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

While you were busy monkey-branching like you were Tarzan, you forgot to look down. If you had, you would have noticed some circling hyenas waiting for you to slip and fall. Those are some of the pack you used to run with, and now, Sugar, you need to outrun them. Put your past waay behind you.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

This is classic you: not exactly inclined to give a rat’s you-know-what or a gnat’s little patootie for status or approval. And Honey, you get a lotta lovin’ for that! Next up: letting down the old guard and making yourself vulnerable. Trust ain’t just a banking term.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

You didn’t just lose touch with reality. Sugar, you broke the whole handle off things trying to get a grip. A new work opportunity is golden, but your domestic situation is suffering. Take care of those who tend to the hearth and home.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

The tee-nine-sy part of you that likes approval took over your whole world. If you want to win friends, Darling, let’s put your “I Know It All” merit badge away in a drawer. Sure you earned it. But it has not helped your sex life or friendships one bit.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

The juice just ain’t worth the squeeze, Sugar. You have worked hard to make good on a promise to yourself and another. Now you have a significant situation that has escaped you and is calling your name. Time to squeeze and release.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

By the time you can say tickety-boo you let the cat out of the bag. Not your fault; a trickster you know so well made you spill. No worries. There is time to clean up the mess on Aisle Five before anybody’s the wiser.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Rinse and repeat. Words to live by. Works real good for stains and also works good for self-love and redemption. Forgive yourself, Darling, for letting a situation get a little gray and a whole lot dingy. It will all come out in the wash.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Fireworks don’t have a place in your life except for Independence Day. Dial back emotions, and just recognize somebody set a tripwire for you because they are more volatile than a pig in a hailstorm. They only wish they had your self-control. 

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Looks like you stuck the baster in the wrong end of the chicken, Honey. You have been in such a dizzy place that you forgot your purpose and dang near lost your marbles. Recalibrate. Breathe. Meditate. Honey Bun, just do anything but knit your brows.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Pigs were flying when you (praise Jesus) decided to zip it and keep the peace just when your nemesis made a total jerk out of himself. Take a bow. You have just zoomed to the front of the astral line for having passed a major spiritual challenge.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Sometimes you open your mouth and your Mamma falls out. Life has been a little too boring for your tastes, so you decided to pull the plug on a very good idea and watch it all go right down the dang drain. It will not be boring to reconnoiter.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

Whoa Is Me!

And you, too, with this month’s alignment of Jupiter in idealistic Sadge and foggy Neptune in Pisces

By Astrid Stellanova

We’ve seen our share of cosmic conniption fits, Star Children, but just remember that half of 2019 is already over. And astrological rarities keep coming. The Arietids are on June 7, and on June 18, there’s an unusual alignment when Jupiter in Sagittarius meets Neptune in Pisces at 90 degrees.

If all that means zip to you, consider that the alignment hasn’t happened in 13 years, since 2006. But this year it happens three times — the next time is on November 8. Circle that on your Day-Timers, Sweet Peas. Some seers say this planetary dust-up pits idealism (yep, thanks to Neptune) against ideologies (Sagittarius). Bottom line? Pay attention to excesses. Rein in your appetites and sit tall in the saddle. But especially, just hold your horses.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Hot balls of fire, you may be twitchier than Jerry Lee Lewis. But the soundtrack to your life is more like that song, “Same Trailer, Different Park.” If that ain’t a song, well then it should be, given how you Geminis are wrestling with lots of energy and no place to put it. Good works, my Twins, might just make you do something with that nutsy energy.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Honey, you have been getting waaaay too intense. Like, you are 50 shades of black and white. If your saga gets any more black and white, somebody needs to take a brush to your head and start painting your life in rainbow colors. Nothing in life is this cut and dried.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Like sweet little Sally Struthers says, save them jagwires, Darlin! Or pick an animal that will make your heart bleed. She’s always saving something, and you got to love her for it. But there is a part of you, little Lion Heart, that needs rescuing. It is possible you have a lot more at risk than you like to show.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Yes, you have got some talent and you have got plenty of desire to take center stage and blow away the competition. Breaking wind is not a musical event, Sugar. When you put in the work to compete, everybody and his brother will be calling.

Libra (September 23-–October 22)

How do you even walk when you keep one foot in your mouth? It was just that bad when you marched into a situation with all the sensitivity of Bigfoot at Cracker Barrel. Next time you open your pie hole, fill it with a big ole slice of double chocolate fudge Co’ Cola Cake.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Oh, yes, Honey, you got some axes to grind and you could split some skulls right about now. Thinking of something nice to say about your exes is like trying to divide by zero. But pull in your horns, ’cause they are about to dive into a tripwire.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Honey, stopped in your tracks, you been grounded like fog closing in on an airport. Frustration ain’t even a big enough word for it. If there was ever a time for you to stop, chill out and go inside, it’s N-O-W. It will save you a whole lot of struggle next month.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

That silver-tongued devil you like couldn’t be trusted if his tongue had a notary seal on it. Gets you every time. Right about now is a good time to politely walk back on plans you made together. Just give it a week to cool off before signing up.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

You got a backbone. But where is your funny bone? If you want to have a happy life, Sugar, you will have to find what is hilarious in the not so good, and what is at least worth a smile in the hardest times. There lies the greatest strength.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

That bottle of lightning may or may not be the cure for what ails you. When somebody says grab it while you can, you may have just been had, Honey. And when you open the lid on that bottle, it may just be more hot air. They can keep it.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You feel like a dog without a tail, which is a doggone shame because this month you will have reason to wag it. In the run-up to the wag-worthy time ahead, you are going to have to overcome some big barkers who suck the oxygen away.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Did you mean to plow that same row twice? Sugar, you were as nervous as a cheerleader at the prison football game. That is not you; you’re off your game but if you can focus, find your mark and breathe, you are set to take the prize on home.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

Stardust Memories

Forget the Vegas floor show and look to the skies for a spectacle you’ll never forget

By Astrid Stellanova

If you’re a fan of the fantastic, find a good spot for sky-watching around May 4–6 when the Eta Aquarids put on a show that will rival the Bellagio’s dancing fountains to dazzle us. This is one of the year’s best meteor showers. A waxing moon will mean low illumination, offering a good gander at falling stars galore.

Star Gazers, try not to fall off your fishing stool when shooting stars reflect off the pond and fish jump right outta the water. If ya’ll should miss out, pass out or fall out, you get a second chance for gawking at something be-yoo-teefull next month when the Arietids occur on June 7.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

There’s you, bullish and charged up, and then there’s everybody else in the room fighting for the leftover oxygen. You have big appetites, needs and dreams. If you weren’t so dadgum full of life force, it would be tempting to just lure your wild self into a padded room, lock the door and keep walking. But who can walk away? Boring you ain’t. Amazing you are, when you harness all that star power for the good. If you don’t find the discipline, you exhaust friends and confound enemies.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

You can’t motivate some people, even if you gave them a job in a MoonPie factory licking marshmallow crème off spoons. Motivating somebody else in your life just ain’t your job, Sugar, but motivating yourself, is.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Third time’s the charm, and, Honey, you can bet your stars and garters you are gonna succeed. If you can tap, yodel or clog, or have a dog who can, get yourself to Nashville. The stars are in your favor.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

The enemy of your enemy ain’t necessarily your friend, Honey Child. You trusted a conniving devil, and you found out you don’t like sharing the same lumpy bed, do you? Kick ’em out and put ’em in your past.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Your secret desire may be to play Cher in a tribute band. Whether that happens or not, you will at least be able to find both an open mic and the courage to read that poem you wrote. Sometimes you gotta be you.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Don’t just use your head as a hat rack. Modesty ain’t working right now. Put your good brain to use, Honey, and notice how opportunity is right smack dab in front of you. It’s your turn to show ’em what you got!

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

You’ve been so dang disconnected you don’t even know when to shout Bingo. Speak up, Sugar! Everything is pointing to the fact that you need to act. If you do, you avert a big old problem, and if you don’t, you won’t.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

You got an epic surprise. Someone shocked you silly and sucked the sugar right out of your cheeks. In this case, it is plain wonderful to be wrong. You counted this someone out, but found they counted for something.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Your mouth was wide as Texas but nothing came out. Stage fright, Sugar? Looks like it. Practice speaking up to somebody who gets your goat until the words comes naturally. Meantime, get yourself a good calming mantra.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

You buttered their butt and tore it up like a stale biscuit. Feel better? Vengeance was yours, and now you can mark that fool off the list. Focus on your better angels, not the avenging ones.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Sugar, you love who you love, and you just despise everybody else. Except, you don’t exactly say that. In the interest of world peace, end a grudge you’ve been nursing since fifth grade. Have some gumption.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Lordamercy, watching Aries Star Children gets my eyebrows raised up so high my hairline has to beg for space. Let up on the ambition, and pick up on downshifting. You ain’t got to be first all the dang time.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

C’mon Baby, Light My Fire!

For Aries, the astrological arsonists, this month brings magic and stardust

By Astrid Stellanova

April brings us showers, sunshine and duckies, Star Children.

Some famous Aries creatives and legends like Maya Angelou, Booker T. Washington and Charlie Chaplin have transitioned to the great beyond. Others are still with us: Emma Watson, Alec Baldwin, Pharrell Williams, Francis Ford Coppola, Robin Wright.

Arians are like astrological arsonists, knowing how to make fire and stir it in others. Antagonists and protagonists. Blazing a trail, always leaving a fiery glow — even if you didn’t make it to the 1979 clogging championships with the Smoking Hot Feet of Lizard Lick — you sure know how to make a memorable exit.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

The sages all say this is a big year for you, starting now. You feel like you’ve been in a drought and are parched for a drink of water. Sugarbritches, get ready to guzzle. As much as the beginning of the year was not exactly epic in your opinion, this month is made of stardust and magic. Plain old well water will taste like sweet tea and a Saltine, like a mouthful of happiness.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You came out swinging, like somebody stole your buggy at the Piggly Wiggly. The wheels were wonky anyway, and sometimes karma takes over. Forget the little stuff and try and concentrate on the fact that the daisies are popping up and good things are coming.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Kindness is demanding that you learn to share, bless your heart, if it’s nothing more than the remote control with dead batteries, or a dried-up, day-old biscuit. You love your toys, but by your age, Darlin’, it’s time to share.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Measure twice and cut once. Shine your shoes. Don’t leave the house wearing ripped pantyhose or old sweat pants. You are going to have to figure and refigure to get ahead of a wily competitor. But it can happen.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

It is touching how much small things count with you. Nobody knows that. They think you are difficult to impress, but you love a dive as much as a gourmet bistro. Reveal who you really are, and take a pal to Waffle House.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

How come you can’t make anyone who enters your door feel at home? Maybe because you really wish they were at their home instead. Expand your heart and open your arms to some very big happiness, Sugar.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

If you faked any more enthusiasm, you’d get sugar diabetes. It’s a good thing to be enthused, but your charm is turned one degree too high. A smile is your best accessory, Darling, but so is keeping it real.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

No selfies. No cries for attention, Honey. I don’t care how bored you get, the best thing for you right now is to focus on finishing something you started a long time ago and refuse to tie up. Finish. It.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

You got caught talking with your mouth full of bull, Sugar. Sometimes, the best cure for lying is quiet contemplation. Stick to your knitting, bowling or fishing. Thank your friends for calling you out.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

It was mainly a symbolic dogfight, but there you were, right in the middle of it. They headed home looking like they got chewed up by the lawnmower. You walked away with a smile. Throw your shoulders back and show some humility in victory.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

You put all your business out there on the showroom floor. We see it. Everybody gets it. You are open for business, Sugar. There will surely be plenty who want what you are selling, but don’t give it away for free.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Honey, there is raw ambition, and then, sometimes, it is just a teensy bit undercooked. The cornbread ain’t quite done in the center. You are on the right track but your ideas need a little time and effort to succeed.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

The Originals

Leave it to the March-born to break the mold

By Astrid Stellanova

March madness doesn’t just apply to basketball, boys and girls. It applies to the whole universe. We astrologers already knew the universe held all kinds of spooky entanglements before the physicists did.

Happens that Fred Rogers and Albert Einstein were March-born Star Children. And so were Vincent Van Gogh and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Quincy Jones and Aretha Franklin, too.

Creative, artistic, occasionally mystic, but almost always completely original — the birthright of those born this month.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Making. It. Rain. Boo-ya! That’s rainmaker you this birthday and year. You roar right into the lead with one good idea after another and the energy to make them happen. If the rest of the pack cannot keep up, and not many can, then they have to eat your dust. It will be hard to dampen your enthusiasm and to contain your excitement as precious dreams are realized. Take a bow!

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You’ve had some hard knocks and rude shocks, most of them from thinking you could do the next to the impossible for the undermotivated. If you are feeling like the Mayor of Underachiever Town, just remember there’s no way to change others and most of your suffering is from that.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You’ve been generous, Star Child, especially when out on the town, but now you’re feeling hard-pressed. You act like I don’t know your moola from your hula lately. As fun as it was, visit the great state of Austerity for a serious time-out. Clip both coupons and your wings for a while.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Careless and reckless comes to mind, my twin. Yet you wonder why you feel like you’re Tito in the Jackson family? You were born with gifts and talent but you have not used them.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Be firm with somebody who knows how to play you. Make Midas let go of the greenbacks and be generous with you for a change. Visit places you haven’t been, like the province of Reality Checkville.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

You’ve been spinning it to win it, like a revitalized Vanna White at the wheel. Fun to watch, and fun to be you during this sun cycle. It will delight your friends and depress your enemies to see your sparkle.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Darling, you’ve been a Jittery Joe. It is discombobulating to trade roles with a close alliance, but you have bravely experimented with self-discovery. Don’t give up now; it leads you to a whole new paradigm.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Sneaky! Those who think they can predict everything about you are going to have to put a bell around your neck to find you. You have privately begun explorations they will find amazing. Amaze yourself, too!

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Sugar, don’t look back unless you plan to go that route. Now that a new endeavor is under way, all signs point to success. Keep your cool. Also, find one person who needs your mentoring. It will be a revelation.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Shake it. Bake it. But don’t just lie there and take it! You are at a key place, and you’ve invested a lot emotionally in a good outcome. Fight for what you want, and be as inclusive as you can if you want to lead.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Namaste doesn’t mean nah, may stay. You may want to stay put and not budge, but where you are now is all about finding peace in a time where you feel at war with yourself.

Aquarius (January 20–February18)

In another 364 days you will ask yourself if you made a dint or difference in the world. You already have. Someone is trying to express just how important you are, and what you have done, and honor you.

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

Fanciful February

This month’s star children are intelligent, intense, creative and sensitive

By Astrid Stellanova

Some of my best friends are February-born, and they bring a lot to the table. They are intense. Intelligent. Sometimes standoffish. But best known as creative and sensitive.

They do something with that intellect, too.

Did you know if you’re February born, you are very likely to become famous? At least three presidents (Washington, Lincoln, and Reagan) were born in February

Liz Taylor, Steve Jobs, and Michael Jordan are all February babies, too. Fancy that, Star Children.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Friends say you’ve been acting more stuck up than a light pole, Sugar. And the reason is why, exactly? You got to this place in life by paying attention. If you can do that, there is an excellent reason for you to stick your nose upward when you win the big prize you seek. You are a gifted and talented star child. It shows.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

You are a tad bit tetchy these days. After fending off more trouble than a one-eyed horse running at Churchill Downs, you did your best, and Sugar, you came oh-so-close to a photo finish. But, you got shoved to the inside, and second place didn’t feel good. The thing you Pisces children have going for you is more determination than Seabiscuit.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You’re off like a dirty shirt the first time someone ticks you off. When was the last time you took a day off just for quiet time and dialed things back several degrees? It’s time to let more roll off your back and forget all the slights.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Lord, Honey, let’s get past the cooling of the Earth and try and live in the present without all this scorekeeping. Yes indeedy, you were right about a point you made. And you drew a line. But the price was wa-a-ay too high. Maybe slide that line over?

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

You had a handle on things but it broke off, right? You knew before you were stretched thin, and then life showed you just how thin it really was. Now is a time for the easy option. Get centered, Sweet Thing.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

What happened was about as funny as a three-legged dog race — not a bit funny. Now, don’t waste your time expecting a real apology. But as the person who insulted you sobers/grows/wises up, he will wish he had been kinder.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

If somebody gave you two nickels for a dime, you’d act like you were rich. Is that optimism? Or is it just a little bit nutty? You must pay attention to where the money flows this year and not play Diamond Jim. Nickels matter.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Your allies would support you no matter what. But when you saw a snake and called it a lizard, you overplayed your hand. Give them every reason to stay in your corner. They will tip things in your favor. But don’t underestimate your allies.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Feeling lonely as a loblolly pine tree in a parking lot, are you, Sweet Thing? Well, it is a cold winter, and you struggle till the sun shines, and life feels good. It will feel good again, but you are coming through the most difficult passage and know it.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

They peed down your back and said it was raining. That ripped your shirt, alright. But you are not stupid. You still see them as an asset. Good enough, Honey. But keep both eyes open in this pending venture.

Sagittarius (November 22—December 21)

That dog just won’t hunt and you know it straight down to your tippy toes. Even so, Sugar, it’s a real sweet dog and you want to keep it. Not all causes are lost — just one that you have been so committed to for about a year too long. Deep breaths, Sugar.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

The problem with somebody you look to for advice is this: If they’re moving their lips, they’re lying. But what wildly entertaining tales they can tell! You feel protective and that is another reason you are so committed to them, mother figure.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

Summer Simmer

The heat’s on in June but the stars say, “Cool it!”

 

By Astrid Stellanova

Star Children, I do relate to all the mischief you are in right this hot minute with Summer Solstice approaching on the 21st. We’re all hot and bothered. I’m a hopeless romantic, too. June is named after Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage. Let. That. Sink. In. If I was to finally tie the knot with Beau, I’d have more pink, tulle, icing and frou-frou going on than Shelby’s wedding in Steel Magnolias. I would also hand out Pepto-Bismol as a wedding favor, because shortening and sugar are a plural food group in my world, and happiness or heartache still bring stomach ache.

Pepto-Bismol solves at least one of the problems. You’re welcome. I’m dispensing a few more warnings that just about all of y’all in Star Land need to heed. And why not follow the (free) counsel of older and wiser Astrid? – Ad Astra

 

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Honey, you got an itch to be bewitched. And when you say I do, remember it’s durn difficult to find the undo button. Most folks just settle for a do-over before they have been done over. You have lost your mind because somebody has been wooing and undoing you. Your powers to charm and bewilder can strike in the same sentence. If you see a greener pasture, we know your M.O. You will be over the fence and bolted before the one you loved and left has even figured it out. The sensible thing would be to just hit the pause button. But Sugar, sensible is not in your wheelhouse.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You cannot hear thunder. What got into you, Sugar? Let me just say, Karma honked the horn at you and you just sashayed right on past. You cannot outrun your destiny. Take two minutes to read that again. There is a real need for you to own what happened, and make amends.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

My Lord! Somebody steered you wrong, but you decided that somebody knew more than everybody else. That friend could be a serial killer and you would still think they would go for your bail. This is going to hurt, this cliff dive, because you convinced yourself the very one driving you over cared about you. Let the healing begin.

Virgo (August 23–Sept. 22)

This is your life. And this month is like spending 24 hours in a Vegas casino and winning a cup of quarters. Yes, Sugar, it does beat losing. But not by much. Go get you some sunshine, rehydrate, then have a square meal and recover your senses. 

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

It’s a recurring theme: You need to escape, and your bag is packed with your best clean underwear with good elastic. Answer this: Are you running from love, or towards it, Honey?  When you recover from itchy feet, you may find nothing that scary is chasing you.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Where is your sense of self-preservation? Is this love or is it suicide? You and your beloved are like planets circling the same sun but on a collision course. You don’t have to treat love like nuclear fusion. Love doesn’t have to destroy you to excite you.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Be like my dog Woodrow and hit the woof. Howl! Holler! You have tamped down all your emotions and now it is time to let them out! You are not dead yet, despite all your attempts to give that impression.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

If you loved yourself as much as you love your pocketbook, you wouldn’t let yourself go just because a no-good somebody broke your little heart. Time to splash out on some new duds, a haircut and some Crest teeth strips. Then, love, grin and bear it. 

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

How far are you going to take this bad mood of yours? I will tell you that orange sure ain’t your color and it sure ain’t the new black. If you kill/maim/sabotage somebody in a jealous rage, the only thing you will have discovered is your own personal hell.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

By the time word of your adventure traveled back, and it traveled fast, there was nobody who could look you straight in the eye and not think: Lordamercy! So you blew your inheritance on something like a big trip to Dollywood. It ain’t nobody’s business but yours. Live on the memories, Sweet Thing.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

I’d like to introduce you to your future. But I won’t. It ain’t in my power to tell you what will happen if you take the steps you’ve been contemplating. It’s extreme, even for you, Sugar. For the love of Pepto-Bismol, don’t run over a small child just trying to get ahead when you will anyhow.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Lord help us. There is not enough sunscreen in the world to keep you from SPFing this thing up. You know what I mean. You have got one powerful opportunity, and all you need to do is exercise just a smidge of caution. But that ain’t happening unless somebody bodily restrains you.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

The Accidental Astrologer

Auspicious August

Have your cake — and half the icing too

By Astrid Stellanova

I’ve always gotten a kick out of how August-born Leos are creative types —extroverted and full of drama. But August-born Virgos are analytical types, who like working hard and being of service. This explains how come August is a lot of things to a lot of people: the month, for instance, we celebrate National Golf, Picnics, Peaches and, last but not least, Romance Awareness Month — with something for both sides of the spectrum to get a big old kick out of, Star Children. Ad astra — Astrid

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Gluttony is still a character defect, last time I checked. And when someone brings you a birthday cake, that does not mean you can scrape all the icing off, eat it till your stomach hurts and leave the plain old bald cake sitting there for everybody else. You know what you like, and once you’ve gone after it, you don’t care one iota if that sticks in someone’s craw as you swallow the last bite.  Celebrate yourself, Honey Child, but remember that might mean you leave at least half the icing on the cake for your friends.

Virgo (August 23–September 22

There was a time when being retro wasn’t cool. You missed that memo. Now you’ve grown into yourself and the time is finally right. Just keep that chin up and let everybody think you were simply way too cool to ever give a fiddle-fart what everybody else thought. Then become that person, Sugar.   

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Somebody ought to thank you, Captain Obvious. You have mastered the finer points of things that most people might think everyone sees. But they don’t, and you know it. So be true to yourself, Child, and let the jokes roll off your straight back. Busting out with a cuss word is not a good way to exercise your vocabulary.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

It has been an uphill climb for you, you’re hot and bothered, and your brain is as fried as a pork rind. Just when one weight rolls away another seems to find you. It’s easy to be you, because nobody else would take the job.  But it sure is going to have its perks; be patient.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Some think you are too big for your britches and have nowhere to hide.  Maybe you are. But maybe you have the right to stand up for yourself and not be overlooked or miss being counted. Everything sure isn’t what it appears. Like my bumper sticker says, honk if you love a good argument.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

You are still standing back, still wondering if you have what it takes.  Seriously? Does Dolly Parton let a bad hair day keep her off the stage? No, Honey. Your life didn’t start yesterday and leave you behind. It starts this very second so don’t miss it.


Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

What’s keeping you from the greatness you are born to enjoy? One degree of separation, my sweet pea. Only one. If you still want it, go for it. Unseen hands are reaching to help, and even if they are calloused, take them and dance.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Your honor student and your dog may be smarter than everybody else. But, Child, does that mean you are — all the time?  Don’t confuse pity with understanding. Also, don’t waste your last dime buying them lottery tickets, either.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Are pork and beans your two major food groups? Is Pigeon Forge your idea of heaven? Don’t apologize. Are you sure you want to be someone other than who you really are?  Bless your heart. You are just fine as you are, and pass me the Texas Pete. 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your reasoning lately makes no kind of sense. That’s like confusing collards with grits. When the whole mess in front of you is over and the collard stink clears from the room, the good news is your mind is going to clear, too. Blue skies are coming.

Gemini (May 21-–June 20)

Does your heart go pitter-patter when you hear a Harley? Is there a part of you that won’t be tamed? You let loose with the national anthem like you wrote it and make everybody smile. These passions are what make others love you, Sugar. Live your life out loud.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

There’s a fine line between speaking your truth and using it like a blunt object. You scared your friends and neighbors, hollering as if that makes your argument one bit stronger. Sugar, it didn’t. Elvis died in August. The Mona Lisa was stolen in August more than a century ago — and it took two years to recover. It’s a tricky month ahead. But you don’t have to take that long to get a grip.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.