Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Well, Shhhhhhhucks

A potty-mouth clean-up is short-bleep-lived

By Maria Johnson

Algorithms are scary things, the way they learn our habits, which is pretty bleep well.

Why else would my newsfeed recommend that I read a piece in The New York Times titled “Curses! A Swearing Expert Mulls the State of Profanity.”

The story promises tips on how to cut back “if you want to.”

What the bleep does that mean?

I’m talking to you, algorithm, you little son of a software bleep.

Are you saying I have a cursing problem?

Well, you’d be partly right.

And partly wrong.

See, most of me is O-bleep-K with cursing. In fact, I love laying down a good oath. There’s a certain catharsis and clarity and energy that comes with damning a bleepity-bleeper to everliving bleep.

Bleep. I feel better just typing that.

But another part of me knows I curse out loud too bleep much, though there’s a camaraderie in hanging with other potty mouths. More on that later.

I also curse a lot to myself when I’m fired up about something, which is pretty bleep often. My awareness of this salty leaning has me thinking that maybe I’ll give up cursing for Lent.

How long is Lent?

What?!

Forty days?

Oh, bleep no.

I could maybe do 40 hours.

Like, one work week, from 9 to 5, with nights and weekends off. Sort of a Lent Soft challenge? Is that a sacrilegious question?

Yes?

All right, all right. Forty bleep days. Without spoken-word profanity.

Or swearing in writing.

But I get to write using bleeps, and I get to keep the sewer in my head.

It’s a start. I gotta do something because this habit is getting worse.

Maybe it’s because I’m an empty-nester. I watch my language around children.

As my grandmother used to say: Little pitchers have big bleep ears.

She didn’t use those exact words, but that’s what she bleep meant.

Because kiddos imitate what they see and hear, my husband and I minded our p’s and q’s — and f’s and s’s — because we didn’t want our sons to blurt out something disrespectful or insulting at the wrong time.

It takes time and maturity to learn how to curse responsibly.

Also, we didn’t want our boys to sound like they were raised in a bleep barn.

Now that our guys don’t live in our bleep barn, I mean house, anymore, I’m not as careful as I used to be. I’ve reverted to my pre-mom setting.

Actually, scratch that.

I’m worse than bleep ever.

Maybe it’s the times we live in.

Have you watched a movie or streamed a TV series lately?

The language is bleep atrocious.

Have you listened to a podcast?

Holy bleep.

Honestly, I don’t like it. But what the bleep am I gonna do? Cancel Max so I can’t watch Hacks any more?

Fat bleep chance. When Season 4 drops, I’m all over that bleep.

Yes, its profane and edgy. It’s also funny as bleep.

So let’s forget about me cutting back on consumption.

I do think there’s room, though, to cut back on my triggers. Namely the news.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m a newshound from the word “go.”

We need to pay attention to what’s going on.

But for the last several years, I’ve hardly been able to watch, read or listen to the news without hollering, “I CANNOT BLEEP BELIEVE THIS!”

I realize my venting doesn’t change diddly-bleep.

But I gotta tell ya: It feels pretty bleep good.

I’d like to clear up one misconception right here: that people who curse a lot don’t have a very good vocabulary.

That’s a load of bleep. I’m not saying that stupid bleeps don’t cuss. But not everyone who cusses is a stupid bleep.

To wit, I do the Spelling Bee every day.

And Wordle.

And a crossword puzzle.

That’s a lot of bleep five-dollar words.

Plus, I’ve been around writers most of my life, and writers are some of the finest cussers I know. We have the verbal palette; many of us just favor the blue hues.

What the bleep?

Maybe this Times story can explain.

Where are my bleep glasses?

Oh, here they are.

Let’s see. Looks like they interviewed a guy named Timothy

Jay, who’s a retired professor of linguistics at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts.

Get this bleep: His specialty was studying profanity.

What a bleep fun job that would be.

Ol‘ Timothy says that cursing is indeed more prevalent because society has gotten way more casual.

He blames social media because you can just about write anything on TikTok or X, the platform formerly bleep known as Twitter.

(Aside: When someone comes up with a better verb than “tweet” for the act of reacting with one’s thumbs, please let meknow. I refuse to say: “Gimme a minute to X this.”).

Anyway, Tim says culture is always evolving and just as soon as a taboo becomes acceptable, people will come up with something even taboo-ier.

Translation: Don’t hold your bleep breath for cursing to go away.

He goes on to say that cursing is mostly about conveying intensity of emotion, and not always negative emotion. In some cases, swearing around others indicates belonging and intimacy.

It’s like saying to someone, “You talk like a bleep sailor, but I love you anyway. Also, I trust you not to record this and play it back for my mom.”

The good professor notes that humans get a measurable physical jolt out of swearing.

Roger that bleep

Finally, he says that the only way to curse less is to practice mindfulness about when you curse and why.

Sigh. That’s what AI said, too, when I asked it.

It said to try practicing meditation and yoga instead of cursing.

That’s a lot of bleep Oms.

And box breathing doesn’t charge my battery like swearing does.

I’m thinking my best course of action is to use more curse word substitutes.

Like dang. Or dog. Or freakin. Or fiddlesticks. That’s an oldie and a goodie.

Yeah.

Fiddle-bleep-sticks.

I like the sound of that.

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Contact Sport

Con-text-ualizing a comedy of errors

By Maria Johnson

Fourteen neighbors? A couple of dozen cupcakes? A Friday afternoon?

Sure, I tell my mom, I’ll help her throw a small celebration of her 92nd birthday, a custom in her neighborhood, where the residents let each other off the hook by proactively reminding each other of the occasion and hosting their own to-dos.

It’s yet another example of something that’s gauche at a young age morphing into something that’s graceful, for all concerned, at a later age.

We draw up a guest list.

In her day, my mom would’ve inked the invitations in her distinctive hand using a fountain pen. She also would have served the cupcakes on her best gold-banded china.

Well, here she is, in her 10th decade, stuck with a daughter whose favorite pattern is “Compostable” by Chinet and who conveys her deepest emotions by text, usually with GIFs from TV comedies.

Finally, my mom agrees to text invitations — sadly without a video snippet of Tina Fey gorging on tres leches cake on “Weekend Update.”

My mom loves it when thumbs up and hearts blossom on the electronic string.

A week later, only a couple of people haven’t responded.

That’s when I learn from one of my mom’s neighbor’s, Amy, that two other neighbors, Ginny and Kathy, whom she was pretty sure would have been invited, have not received my text.

Amy guesses I might have sent the invite to Ginny’s home number instead of her cell number, which she rarely gives out. So Amy supplies the elusive number, and I zap a fresh invite to Ginny’s cell.

I should say “a Ginny’s cell.” And yes, in literature class, this would be called foreshadowing.

Next, I retrace my steps with Kathy.

Voila. I’ve sent the invite to another Kathy, so I tap out a new message to Neighbor Kathy, who responds with a heart.

I think about texting Another Kathy to say, “Never mind,” but she hasn’t responded so I let it go. (Insert suspenseful music.)

Meanwhile, Ginny replies with a conditional “yes” because she is recovering from chemo.

Wow. I am not aware that Ginny has cancer. I text her back, suggesting that she walk over to the party if she feels like it that day. No advanced notice required.

She pins a heart to my message.

To close the loop, I let Amy and Kathy know that Ginny plans to come if she recovers from chemo in time.

Amy and Kathy’s eyebrows shoot up. Ginny does not have cancer.

We all sleep on the unfortunate news of . . . someone’s cancer.

The next morning, feeling that something is off, I review my text to Ginny.

Oooooo.

Turns out I’ve texted a tennis friend named Ginny, who indeed is waging a successful battle against cancer.

She lives in Thomasville.

She doesn’t know my mom.

Yet she has pinned a heart to the invitation to walk down to my mom’s house.

What the . . . ? I admit my blunder to Tennis Ginny, who cops her own confession.

“I admit I didn’t know where I was going to walk to find a cupcake soiree,” she says.

Incidentally, this is why I love Tennis Ginny. She’s always game for fun, even if she’s not sure where to find it.

Resolving to wear glasses while texting, I call Neighbor Ginny, hoping for a voice on the other end.

These days, I know, calling someone in real time indicates either a dire emergency or an extremely juicy nonemergency with more details than two thumbs can handle.

This isn’t either, but Neighbor Ginny picks up without a hint of wariness. God Bless the Greatest Phone-Answering Generation.

She laughs her hearty New Englander laugh when I explain the situation.

I’m relieved at her forgiveness, which I find that older people grant easily, maybe because they need it themselves — as if the rest of us don’t.

Cupcake Day arrives.

The weather is perfect.

My mom’s neighbors stream through her door. I greet them and thank them for coming. A car pulls up.

“Who’s that?” someone asks.

I crane my neck.

“I don’t know,” I say, watching an elegantly dressed lady emerge with a potted flower.

She smiles as she steps through the door.

For the life of me, I cannot retrieve a name.

“I’m so glad . . . you could come!” I say, taking the amaryllis from her.

My mom lights up at the sight of her, hugs her and introduces her to her neighbors.

“This is my friend, Kathy, from church.”

Of course. Another Kathy is Church Kathy, who sometimes shuttles my mom to a prayer retreat. We communicate by text from time to time.

As it turns out, Church Kathy also used to live in my mom’s neighborhood and knows a couple of party guests. She wades in and charms the throng.

I find Neighbor Kathy in the kitchen.

“This just keeps getting better,” I whisper.

She snickers and shrugs: “It seems to be working out.”

Indeed. If Church Kathy thinks it’s odd that she was invited to “walk over” for a cupcake — from wherever she lives now — she never lets on.

If anyone else thinks it’s odd that a non-neighbor — albeit a former neighbor — is stirred into the mix, they never let on.

If my mom thinks she’d better lobby for handwritten invitations next time, she never lets on.

If I think that my husband, who makes fun of me for having more than 1,000 contacts in my phone, might be onto something, I never let on.

Surrounded by friends who are happy to be together, no matter how they got there, my mom is in heaven.

Surrounded by grace — some of it self-administered — I am, too.

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Saints Alive

Valentine, Patrick, Nicholas and Fanourios. Who are these guys anyway?

By Maria Johnson

I was so delighted by the earrings — a pair of verdigris dogs with copper ears as bright as new pennies — that I had to try them on right then and there, in the backseat of my husband’s car.  My older son’s partner, Tina, had just surprised me with them, following a family ramble through a row of seaside gift shops.

She and I have a custom of giving each other earrings, and she’d clearly hit a home run with the canines she’d just sniffed out.

I plucked out the faux-diamond studs I was wearing and carefully extracted the pups from their plasticized card. I hooked one hound to my left ear and was fiddling with my right lobe when the second pup slipped from hand.

I heard it hit something hard — the seatbelt buckle? — on the way down. Oops.

I expected to see the stray lying on the seat beside me.

No dice. No dog.

I unsnapped the seat belt and felt around for a metallic bump underneath me.

I bent double and pawed at the floor mat.

Tina, too, searched for the hound that had somehow slipped away in the space between us.

Minutes later, when we stopped at a landmark lighthouse, I stepped out of the car slowly, monitoring for anything that might fall from the folds of my T-shirt or shorts.

Knowing that wayward earrings can hang up in hair, snag on necklines or fall down shirts, I ruffled my own fur, patted myself down and snapped my sports bra, hoping to dislodge half of the gift.

I looked down my own shirt, disappointed to see that nothing (else) had fallen.

Meanwhile, the four scientists in the car — that would be everyone but me — converged at the seat where the lost dog was last seen. They postulated that the hound had taken a one-in-a-million dive into a crevice, or bounced at a weird angle and landed somewhere unexpected. They slid their hands between cushions, into map pockets, under mats, around seat tracks and anchors.

They could not prove their hypotheses that day. Or the day after. Or the day after that, when we meticulously vacuumed the car’s interior while listening for the rattle of success.

Alas, there was no need to pick through the dust cup.

I was deeply bothered by this loss, not just because it rendered the gift unwearable. The second earring was somewhere. It didn’t vanish.

And yet it had disappeared, to our senses at least.

Desperate, I called on heavenly help from Saint Fanourios, the Greek Orthodox saint who helps people find what is lost.

When I was growing up, my Hellenic dad often appealed to “Agios Fanourios,” which he pronounced in his native tongue as “eye-oos fan-NOO-rios” with an “r” that rolled like the Aegean Sea.

In the days before AirTags and GPS, Fanourios dropped a pin on missing objects and guided us to them by process of elimination.

He specialized in keys, pointing the way to fobs that were tucked into pockets, wedged between cushions or lodged between furniture and walls.

Usually, we found what we were looking for. Occasionally, we did not.

At these times, my dad offered a dose of common sense.

Ask Fanourios to find a necklace lost while body-surfing?

“C’mon now, honey,” Daddy would say. “Don’t be ridiculous. He’s just a saint. Even he has his limits.”

Also Fanourios did not, according to my dad, work cases involving stolen property. If someone swiped your basketball, it wasn’t lost; it was stolen. Fanourios was an intercessor, not a cop.

He was just a saint, a person who’d done some amazing things but was a person all the same.

Recently, I was thinking about my dad — who died several years ago — on his name day, December 6, the day that Greeks celebrate the feast of St. Nicholas. I searched online for a Saint Nick bio, curious about who he was before he became a saint and the forerunner of our very own Westernized Santa Claus.

Turns out, the original Nick was a bishop who, among other things, gave dowries to the father of three poor girls to save them from lives as prostitutes. So, you know, putting patriarchy aside for a minute, good on him.

Also, he is said to have revived three dismembered young people whose remains were hidden in a pickling barrel, which is disturbing on many levels, but I suppose still lands in the “plus” column.

Also, Nick might have slugged a heretic at a church meeting once. So there’s that.

For the sake of comparison, I snooped on a few other saints.

The soon-to-be celebrated St. Valentine, the patron saint of lovers, was a lawbreaker, said to have defied Roman Emperor Claudius by marrying couples so that the men would not be drafted into the military.

St. Patrick, in whose name we drink green beer and pinch people who aren’t wearing green — as if both of those behaviors are normal — was an English evangelist who converted lots of of Irish people to Christianity, but, heck, he wasn’t even a real saint. He was never canonized. And he never drove snakes from Ireland. The Ice Age, which snapped the chilly green isle off the continent, made it a no-slither zone for a long time.

And St. Fanourios? Very little is known about him, other than the usual saintly stuff: He spread the gospel, performed miracles and suffered on account of his beliefs. He was tortured and very likely died a gruesome death. His reputation for revealing lost items probably came because a pristine icon of him was unearthed from church ruins on the Greek island of Rhodes during Muslim occupation around the year 1400.

No wonder my earring was still lost.

My dad was right. These guys were “just” saints, not wizards (pickling barrel story notwithstanding).

Still, that doesn’t mean there isn’t some magic involved in appealing to them, letting go of a problem, letting your mind relax and coming back to it later.

I’m happy to report my missing dog was found. Sort of.

With my husband’s help, I Google-searched an image of the surviving earring, and up popped a boutique that sells identical litter mates.

As I write this, a new pair of hounds is bounding my way.

I can hear my pops now, giving Fanourios credit for his guidance and for keeping up with the times.

“Look, honey, he never said where you’d find it.”

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Lovin’ Spoonfuls

How a well-known Greensboro chef changed his menu and his life

By Maria Johnson

January is a good time to talk about John Drees for a couple of reasons.

A freshly unwrapped year is all about new beginnings, which Drees, 60, knows something about.

Also, January is National Soup Month (sorry, Souptober), and that points to Drees in his latest incarnation as Chef Soup, boss of a small-batch business that sells frozen quarts of savory spoonfuls from The Corner Farmers Market, the open-air bazaar where, most Saturday mornings, Drees pitches his canopy in the parking lot of St. Andrews Episcopal Church in Greensboro.

If you had a really good arm, you could throw a rock from here and hit the vacant single-story building where Drees first made a name for himself in the Gate City 40 years ago. Many people fondly recall the scrumptious meals he dished out at Southern Lights Bistro on Smyres Place in Sunset Hills.

“I have a whole different perspective now,” says Drees, who looks to be permanently flushed from decades of stovetop steam baths. Surrounded by the coffee-sipping, fleece-and-jeans crowd at the market, it’s notable that he does not look pretentious in a white apron and black skull cap. He looks relaxed and well practiced. He ought to.

“I was the fool that worked seven days a week for 35 years,” he says. “You weren’t gonna outwork me. I didn’t know better at the time.”

A native of Greensboro, Drees popped up at Southern Lights as a cook in 1985. Soon, he bought into the business, which flourished with stylish farm-fresh food, a chummy chalk-board atmosphere and reasonable prices.

Chef J.B.D. had a hot hand.

He was a regular on WFMY-TV’s morning-show cooking segment with the late Lee Kinard.

He played a part in launching Prizzi’s, an Italian cafe in Quaker Village; The Edge, a Tate Street bar; Nico’s, a fine Italian place downtown; and 1618 West Seafood Grille, which still reels in diners on Friendly Avenue. He also spun off a satellite of Southern Lights in Winston-Salem.

In time, Drees clung only to Southern Lights in Greensboro, which he moved to a Lawndale Drive shopping center in 2010. Business was skinny but sustainable until COVID body-slammed restaurants in the spring of 2020. Drees closed his doors to diners and snapped off the lights for good that summer, ending a remarkable 35-year run.

The hard stop did him good. He was surprised at how much he enjoyed taking long walks and having time to chat about topics unrelated to business.

“I didn’t realize until the pandemic that there was so much more to life than working,” he says. “I was having flashbacks to when the kids were little, and I had Sundays off.”

He took a year to stir the question of what to do next. With three adult children, he didn’t need as much income as before, but he needed to beef up his retirement account.

He’d lived long enough to watch friends and family die sooner than expected, so he knew that time was his most precious commodity. But he wanted to spend some of it working. Nobody needed to tell him that he was really good at what he did.

He thought about opening a soup-salad-and-sandwich shop downtown in 2021, but foot traffic still lagged, and reliable employees were hard to come by.

He pared down his idea.

“I wanted soup to be the star of the show,” he says.

He explored the idea of selling soup to retirement homes, and that’s when he learned that most of the seniors’ soups were bought frozen and warmed to life again.

“A light went off,” he says.

He whipped up 80 quarts of soup — six flavors led by his signature tomato basil — poured them into cardboard take-out cups, stuck them in a freezer and carted the frosty blocks to the Corner Market in February of 2022.

He sold 60 of them.

“I said, ‘OK, this is a thing,’” he recalls.

Six months later, he added online ordering and home delivery. Today, internet sales have almost caught up with face-to-face sales, thanks to a social media presence driven by his fianccée, Nancy Cunningham, who handles marketing for Grandover Resort.

Orders spike when she teases “Souper Tuesday” — buy three quarts, get a fourth free — on Facebook and Instagram.

Drees will keep his market table for the revenue and in-person feedback, but he’s keen to grow the delivery side.

“I think [Amazon founder] Jeff Bezos was on to something, starting with, I get paid before I even pull out of the driveway,” he says. “I’m modernizing myself, but keeping it as basic and simple as I can.”

Relishing his elastic schedule, Drees cooks and delivers three to four days a week, more or less if needed. He hovers over every batch with help from two part-timers at Short Street Gastro Lab, a shared kitchen space in Kernersville. 

With a repertoire of 80 recipes, he offers eight to 12 flavors at the market every week. He posts four online. Standing over a tilt skillet, basically a flat-top grill with straight sides and a crank to tip the bed, Drees makes cooking for the masses look easy. Ten gallons of cheesy potato-and-ham soup coming up.

He fires up the skillet and slicks it with glugs of olive oil. In goes a bag of bacon bits; anyone who eats ham isn’t going to fuss about bacon. Next up: chopped cooked ham, onions, celery and carrots, which Drees flips and scrapes with a giant spatula until both the meat and veggies wear a shiny brown crust. He douses the sizzle with water to deglaze the pan.

A fragrant, hissing fog rises. Dried dill comes to life. Pails of quartered red potatoes simmer to softness. A blend of cheeses  — cheddar, Monterrey Jack, American and cream — relaxes into a velvety matrix.

With both hands, Drees grasps a 2-foot-long immersion blender — it looks more like a gardening tool than kitchen utensil — and starts rowing. The cheese and potato lighten the mixture as he churns. Finally, he dips a spoon and closes his eyes so that he can read the taste and texture with his mouth, not his eyes.

“Needs more water,” he says.

Thinned to his satisfaction, Drees hands off the vat to a helper while he leaves to make a delivery nearby.

Four days later, at market, the rib-sticking soup goes for $13 a quart.

Drees’ youngest child, Jonas, rings up customers on an iPad.

Standing behind Jonas, Drees is fenced by a ring of ice chests holding his wares. He faces in the direction of the original Southern Lights. It’s hard to believe so much time has passed since he started there, he says. It was like another lifetime.

What would he tell his younger self, knowing what he knows now?

“Don’t take yourself so seriously,” he says, pressing his lips into a Mona Lisa smile. “Life is too short to worry about work and making money all the time. Work will take care of itself.”

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Oh, Baby

Times and diapers, they’re a-changin’

By Maria Johnson

A while back, a friend suggested that we walk together as she pushed her granddaughter’s stroller around the neighborhood where the toddler’s family lives.

The offer lay on the changing table, so to speak, for several months, until one day, over coffee, I resurrected the idea.

My friend set down her blueberry muffin.

“I’d rather wait,” she said.

“For what?” I asked.

“For her to be potty-trained,” she said.

My head tilted in the manner of a dog — or grandchild-less human — who does not understand what she just heard.

My friend explained: Her granddaughter was being toilet-trained in the modern way, with a small portable potty that was to accompany her everywhere she went. Said receptacle was to be planted on any reasonably level surface whenever the baby gave an indication that she needed to go. This was common practice, my friend assured me, adding that some baby johns are so realistic that they appear to have water tanks behind the seat.

“Do they flush?” I asked in jest.

My friend laughed.

“No,” she said, adding under her breath, “not yet.”

My friend further reported that in New York City’s Central Park, it’s not unusual to see families lugging mini-potties around on their daily jaunts, then — when the time comes — scrambling to find privacy for their children’s plastic-lined privies behind rocks or bushes or anywhere one might go for relief in an emergency.

Fine for them, my friend implied, but she was not itching to be known as the pop-up potty lady.

Later, when the subject came up again, this time amongst some newly hatched granny-friends, one astutely observed: “Kinda changes the concept of the stranger lurking in the bushes, doesn’t it? ‘Hey, kid, I got a potty for you over here. Follow me.’” We cackled in the way that every generation hoots at the child-rearing practices of succeeding generations. Our mothers and aunts did the same thing, rolling their eyes at baby monitors and battery-powered bouncy seats.

Now, there’s a whole new crop of baby gadgets and practices to learn. Of course, today’s parents-to-be can turn to a slew of social media channels for tips. Not sure what to do with a newborn? YouTube it. There’s bound to be a Midwesterner who knows how to swaddle with power tools. Then there’s the recently released ninth edition of an old standby, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the pregnancy bible I used when my at-home test turned pink for the first time in the early ’90s.

I got my mitts on an updated volume. It was oddly reassuring to see that the fundamentals of gestation haven’t changed much in 30 years, though the book reflected societal shifts in life outside the womb: the existence of gender-reveal parties and ultrasound videos; the acknowledgement of unmarried and same-sex partners; and warnings about the use of e-cigs, cannabis and CBD during pregnancy. Heck, there’s even a yellow flag about drinking kombucha.

That got me thinking about another possible niche in pregnancy publishing: a primer for folks my age as we watch our Millennial and Gen Z kids get into the repro game.

So you won’t be clueless at your children’s baby showers and other infant-centric affairs, I give you a pocket version of What to Expect When They’re Expecting.

1. No, that’s not a potholder. That square of fabric with a loop at the corner is a “Twinkle Tent,” which is intended to keep a baby boy from peeing on the person changing his diaper. Same goes for the conical “Pee-pee Teepee.” Eventually, your children — the grown ones — will figure out that by the time the geyser erupts, all you can do is treat it like a Super Soaker, partially block it with your hands, laugh and consider yourself baptized into parenthood. Put on a party hat — the Pee-pee Teepee doubles as one — and celebrate.

2. In related news, a concept called diaper-free, aka naked, potty-training, is making the rounds. According to proponents, when your kids are ready to graduate from nappies, you strip them of their diapers to make them more, um, aware of their bodies. Then you watch their faces for signs that they need to go and hasten them to the proper place, much as you would with a puppy who starts sniffing, scratching and circling the carpet. If you know anyone who plans to try this method, we have two words. OK, technically three words: Kids ’n’ Pets, a stain and odor remover. $5.58 for 27 ounces. But available, with good reason, by the gallon.

3. Blackout is beautiful. Not that our children are trying to raise a generation of vampires, but nursery black-out curtains and black-out tents that stand alone or zip around a crib are officially a thing, supposedly a calming thing because, hey, there’s no light by which to see anything scary. Also German U-boats will never be able to see our coastline, by golly.

4. Pelvic floor trainer. Yes, this is what you think it is. A coach who guides pregnant women through Kegel exercises, mainly, we surmise, so that when they reach our age they will not wet their pants while laughing at the gifts their daughters receive at baby showers.

5. Babymoon. A version of the honeymoon, except this lovey-dovey trip is taken by couples before the baby arrives, usually during the second trimester, before the mama-to-be swells into the stage of Don’t. You. Ever. Touch. Me. Again.

6. Ever.

7. I mean it.

8. Push present. Dang, where was this trend when I was a young mom? The concept is that the new mom deserves some sort of material reward for the physical work she does while having the baby. And no, partners, C-sections do not absolve you. We’re talking baubles. Carats. 14K. Birthstones, at the very least.

Truth: No amount of bling can substitute for what most moms would actually prefer — kindness, admiration and offers of “Here, lemme take the baby while you go out for a while.”

At the same time, this mother of two (bracelets? earrings?) is totally down with the concept of reparation jewelry.

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Out of Our Gourds

Recognizing post-traumatic pumpkin-spice disorder

By Maria Johnson

I stopped at the snack display just inside the grocery store’s sliding doors.

A bank of pillowy bags promised pumpkin pie-flavored popcorn.

As my brain mulled the mingling of those flavors, a store clerk walked past me.

“I don’t know about that,” he muttered under his breath.

He was right.

There was no reason to buy that bag when I had a jar of popcorn kernels, a stick of butter, a bottle of pumpkin pie spice and a bag of brown sugar at home. Smooth, sweet, salty, warm.

I would be making pumpkin-spiced popcorn soon.

A couple of decades ago, it wouldn’t have occurred to me.

That was before America jumped on the pumpkin-spice-latte train.

It began innocently enough, in 2003, in the Liquid Lab, a corner of Starbucks headquarters in Seattle. Charged with creating a new coffee drink, employees focused on a customer survey in which pumpkin kept popping up as a unique flavor.

So they did the natural thing: They spent hours eating pumpkin pie, sipping espresso and wondering how they ever landed such a cushy gig.

Eventually, they fused the flavors into one autumnal concoction and jotted down the recipe: espresso, steamed milk and pumpkin pie spices — basically cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger.

They called their invention Pumpkin Spice Latte, or PSL, and tested it in 100 stores in Washington, D.C., and Vancouver, Canada.

Customers on both coasts slurped it up, and Starbucks rolled out the PSL to a toasty reception nationwide, but it wasn’t until Facebook and Twitter took off in 2006 that PSL found its wings.

Ever since then, from September through November, we’ve been bonkers for pumpkin-spiced anything.

I didn’t realize just how much we’d normalized the gourd until I tootled down the aisles of Trader Joe’s last year and noted the following items:

Pumpkin ice cream.

Spicy pumpkin samosas.

Pumpkin-ginger scones.

Pumpkin waffles (“Try them with our pumpkin butter!’).

Pumpkin tortilla chips.

Pumpkin salsa.

Pecan-pumpkin oatmeal.

Pumpkin O’s breakfast cereal.

Pumpkin spiced bagels.

Pumpkin cream cheese.

Pumpkin hummus.

I clung to the vine, following it around the store, hoping it would lead me out of the orange storm. Which it did. But not before …

Apple-and-pumpkin hand pies.

Pumpkin brioche.

Pumpkin-maple-bacon dog treats.

Pumpkin pancake mix.

Teeny-tiny pumpkin-spiced pretzels.

Pumpkin oat beverage.

Pasta sauce with pumpkin and butternut squash.

Pumpkin cider.

Pumpkin ale.

Pumpkin ravioli.

Pumpkin gnocchi.

Chocolate mousse pumpkin candies.

Pumpkin-spice cookie batons.

Pumpkin Joe-Joe’s (a version of the Oreos knockoffs).

Pumpkin kringles (No worries, Santa. They’re coffee cake rings).

Pumpkin bisque.

And last but not least, pumpkin body butter, for skin as soft as a … jack-o-lantern?

Good grief! I hadn’t been so spiced out since I binge-burned a pack of patchouli incense as a young woman. The effect was intense, transcendent and lasting, meaning I never got the smell of hippie-fied tranquility out of my curtains.

What accounted for the persistent appeal of pumpkin spice? Was there any taste trend that could compete?

I called Michael Oden, the marketing manager over at Mother Murphy’s, a family-owned Greensboro company that ships food and beverage flavorings to 30 countries. Their products include pumpkin-spice flavorings for beer and liquor.

Michael is sanguine about the state of the squash.

“Pumpkin spice will always be here,” he says, explaining that the taste’s popularity rests on cultural conditioning. Once people associate certain flavors with holidays, they try more versions, which drives more products to shelves, which reinforces the link.

Call it a flavor loop. Or a Pumpkin O, if you like.

Hybrids are bound to develop, Michael says, citing the pumpkin-allied flavors of apple, caramel, maple and cranberry.

In the last few years, another flavor fusion — “sweet heat” or “swicy” — has brought us jalapeño spiked honey, ancho chili pecan pie, strawberry tarts with black pepper, cayenne-chocolate cookies and ice cream set ablaze with gochujang, Korean chili paste.

Michael expects pumpkin spice and Cousin Swicy to inhabit the American palate for at least another five years.

The trick, he says, is for tastemakers to keep their offerings seasonal and to keep the intensity of their flavorings proportionate to their serving sizes.

“There are things that become too much,” he says tactfully.

I thought of this a few weeks ago when I made pumpkin-spiced popcorn at home. We were about to stream a movie when I pulled the Orville Redenbacher out of the pantry.

“Cover your eyes, Orville,” I said, pouring kernels into the well of the hot-air popper.

I melted butter, stirred in the sugar and spice, then drizzled the glaze over fresh popcorn and pressed “play” on the original Beetlejuice from 1988.

Somehow, we missed the multiplex mania back then and decided to revisit the phenomenon as a possible precursor to seeing the recently-released reprise, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

The original story was kinda fun. And pretty stupid. And very much a creature of its time.

I mean, Robert Goulet. Need I say more?

Oddly enough, our impression of my homemade pumpkin-spiced popcorn followed a similar pathway, progressing quickly from mmm to meh to OMG, please make it stop.

We set our bowls aside and hit pause.

Whether it’s patchouli or pumpkin spice or a prison-striped pest from the Great Beyond, I’m here to tell you — three times if necessary — that a little goes a long way.

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Cloak & Wagger

Halloween costumes have gone to the dogs . . . and cats . . . and hamsters . . . and ferrets . . . and bearded dragons

By Maria Johnson

Two years ago, Millie was a ladybug for Halloween.

She wore a smart red-and-black velour jacket, cinched at the waist, with a shawl collar that pooled elegantly around her neck.

OK, it wasn’t really a shawl collar. It was a ladybug hood with antennae that Millie, a petite hound, kept shaking off because she can’t stand things on her ears.

The point is, red is Millie’s color, and she was quite fetching when I took her to the annual dog-o-ween parade in my mom’s townhouse community, which is not officially a retirement village, but is, shall we say, very silver.

As a result, small dogs are plentiful. So one Sunday afternoon before Halloween, residents gussy up their pups and take a lap around the neighborhood, stopping at homes where the few non-dog-owners sit outside with treats.

The dogs gobble as they go. They remind me of the chunky trick-or-treater who once came to my childhood home.

“Where’s your bag?” my dad asked as he doled out candy bars.

“Right here,” the kid said, slapping his belly with both hands.

Unlike the belly slapper, who snarfed his Baby Ruth as he walked away, the dogs at dog-o-ween usually inhale their first treats on the spot then stare down the giver, implying that a second, third or  — why not? — fourth treat is customary.

Sometimes, the furry beggars get downright aggressive, snouting their way into a bag of Beggin’ Strips that’s held too close.

If a small human tried this with, say, a bag of fun-size Snickers, he would end up in a doorbell video on social media the next morning with the plea, “DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS CHILD?”

For dogs, though, people respond with a grace reserved for four-legged animals.

“Ha-ha-ha,” they say. “You scamp!”

This kind of cheerful generosity is more in line with the origins of dressing up at Halloween, which some historians trace back to the 19th-century Scottish practice of “guising,” or putting on costumes and performing in exchange for food and drink.

Over in Germany, they played a similar game, “Belsnickeling,” which called for children to don masks and costumes at Christmastime. If no one guessed their true identities, the tykes were rewarded with food.

Going back even further in time, the ancient Celts — who lived across what’s now Great Britain — observed an autumn festival called Samhain (pronounced SAH-win).

These pagan partygoers dressed as ghouls to blend in with the mischievous ghosts they believed roamed the earth during harvest time, when the veil between living and dead was the thinnest.

The locals lit bonfires and left food, drink, crops and other offerings to appease the spirits.

You could draw a couple of conclusions from these traditions.

One: There wasn’t a whole heck of lot going on in Western Europe back in the day.

Two: People are happy to play dress-up if there’s an immediate payoff, such as food, drink or not getting swept off to the netherworld.

The same reward system goes for dogs. Because Millie associates wearing a Halloween costume with getting food, she doesn’t seem to mind being dolled up.

Last year, she wore a simple jester’s collar, partly because of the ear sensitivity issue and partly because I didn’t make enough time to shop for a proper costume. This year, I started early.

There are so many choices.

For several years, pet owners were limited to dog costumes and only a smattering of cat costumes, which makes sense. Dogs will work for food, even if it means wearing a wonky costume. Cats, not so much.

If I see you on Halloween, bloodied and dressed in tatters, I will not assume that you’re headed to a party dressed as a zombie. I will assume you tried to dress your cat as a Minion.

Nevertheless, the selection of get-ups for cats and dogs has mushroomed to hundreds, enough to break into subcategories. One pet supply website has costume tabs for “Trending” (stegosaurus, happy cow, granny); “TV and movie” (Buzz Lightyear, R2D2, Cookie Monster): “Funny” (snail, werewolf, hula girl, skunk); and “Career” (mail carrier, UPS driver, chef).

Many are so-called front-walking costumes featuring pants that make a dog’s front legs look like human legs, along with stuffed arms that stick out and hold a prop.

So if you squint your eyes and pretend you don’t see the other 95 percent of your neighbor’s Bichon frisé, you could believe that a 1-foot-tall UPS driver in dire need of facial waxing is delivering a tiny package to your door.

Believable, given the current hiring situation.

On the other hand, it’s highly unlikely that this delivery “person” would be focused on anything other than ripping open the box and gnawing off its own arms.

If your dog is small enough, you might try a variation of the front-walking costume: the no-walking costume.

I give you the winner of last year’s Fort Greene Park dog costume contest in Brooklyn, N.Y., a chihuahua mix that rode in a pet carrier draped with a small pale suit and white button-down shirt. It helped that the dog, which lent only its head to the ensemble, bore an uncanny resemblance to Talking Heads singer David Byrne.

The crowd roared its approval.

Basically, no creature is safe from human merriment. These days, websites offer costumes for multiple species. The fashionable guinea pig or ferret might show up for Halloween — though God knows where — dressed as a bumblebee, butterfly or leprechaun.

A bearded dragon, meanwhile, could turn out as a small lobster, a cowboy, a unicorn or, cruelly, a cricket.

I’m not sure who thought that one up. Probably the same sadist who decided it would be funny to make a dog costume with stuffed squirrels frolicking on the back, while the dog wears an acorn cap.

Ha-ha-ha, said no dog, ever.

Thank goodness, none of the front-walking costumes are in play for Millie, though I truly wish she would tolerate a wig with a red bandana, long braided pigtails and guitar-holding arms.

Then she could be Millie Nelson.

After much consideration, though, I’ve ordered her a tennis dress. Like her mama, she’s obsessed with chasing tennis balls, and after all, who wouldn’t want to be recognized as the great Millie Jean King?. 

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Could Be a Myssssstery

But the math sayssss no

By Maria Johnson

By the time I saw the black snake, it was smack in the middle of my lane, a few yards ahead of me.

It was too late to steer around it.

Best case scenario, I figured, my car would pass squarely over the undulating 4-foot ribbon that was booking it across the searing blacktop in the middle of the day.

I squinted and raised my shoulders to brace for ka-thunk, ka-thunk under my tires.

A nanosecond passed. Nothing.

Not even one ka-thunk.

I glanced in my rearview mirror.

No squashed “S” in my wake, which was good.

But neither did I see the snake finishing its sprint to the other side of the road.

Huh?

I pulled into a side street, turned around and retraced my path.

No snake on the road.

No snake beside the road.

What the . . . ?

I turned around once more to survey the scene of the non-crime.

Then a horrifying possibility occurred to me:

What if the snake had somehow glommed onto the underside of my car and was now tucked into the recesses of my engine?

Why, just the week before, a friend had told the story of a friend of hers, who lived in the country and had been driving down the road when a snake slithered out of an air-conditioning vent on her dashboard.

Alone in the car now, I issued a string of words not suited for a family-friendly magazine.

I slapped shut every air vent I could reach.

The innocent creature I’d hoped to spare suddenly represented a cardiac threat.

Then I remembered another story, this one from my childhood. One morning, my mom was driving my brother to Vacation Bible School. On the way to and fro’, we heard meowing. Back at home, Puff, our cat, appeared from under the car. He was streaked with grease like a mechanic. We thought it was funny.

Looking back, I’m sure that Puff was never quite the same after his VBS experience, but we had no time for trauma in the 1960s.

The point is, I knew that animals could shelter under the hood of a car, never mind that the critters in both of my cautionary tales had probably stowed away while the car was parked.

Maybe, I thought, one of my tires could have grabbed the black snake and flung it upward — minus the ka-thunk — into the guts of my car.

Long shot? Perhaps. But it was too late, the air vent story had left the station.

Minutes later, I pulled up in front of my house, parked several feet from the curb and literally jumped out of the car.

I’d just been to a baby shower, so I was wearing a sun-dress, not my usual T-shirt and shorts.

Also, it was hot as Hades, and I was circling my car while stooped over, peering underneath from a safe distance.

The unusual scene did not go unnoticed.

Our neighbor Jonathan came out of his front door looking concerned.

“Are you OK?” he asked.

I explained what had happened.

“Pop the hood,” Jonathan said.

He lifted the lid of my Honda and . . .

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!! A WHOLE NEST OF BLACK SNAKES RIGHT BEHIND THE AIR FILTER!!!

Oh. Wait. Just some hoses.

“I don’t see anything,” Jonathan said, studying the engine from different angles.

I was soothed. Somewhat.

I went inside and recounted the experience to my husband, who thought for a minute and finally said, “I don’t know. Snakes can move pretty fast.”

“Yeah, 35 miles an hour when they’re inside my car!”

“We could look under the rest of a car with a mirror and a flashlight,” he offered.

“Too close,” I shot back.

“We could take it to a garage, and they could put it on a lift,” he said. “Do you need an oil change?”

Brilliant!

We drove to our favorite quick-change garage.

“I’m gonna let you explain this,” Jeff said.

I opened the door as a uniformed guy named Jordan approached the car.

“Got time for an oil change?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said. “Can we do anything else for you?”

“Funny you should ask,” I said.

I summarized the situation: snake, no snake, air vent, eek.

Jordan smiled and nodded at my request for an oil change plus.

“You don’t seem put off by this,” I said.

He smiled and shook his head no. I had a suspicion about the source of his nonchalance.

“Are you a country boy?” I asked.

“A little bit,” he said, flashing a grin and the tattoo inside his left forearm: the image of a shotgun and the words “YEE YEE,” a hunter’s exclamation.

“Where did you grow up?” I asked.

“In West Virginia, on a farm,” he said.

Then Jordan showed me the ink on his right arm: At his wrist, a jumping bass with the words “Fish On;” on the underside of his forearm, “Family and Friends.”

Right person. Right place. Right time.

Thirty minutes later, Jordan reported the outcome of the procedure. Fresh oil.

No snake.

I exhaled. We drove home and parked in the garage, though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look over my shoulder as we walked away from the car.

Later that night, I noodled on the mystery.

I reached for my phone and searched, “How fast can a black snake move?”

Answer: A black racer can hit 8–10 miles an hour.

Next search: How wide is a two-lane road?

Answer: 24 feet.

A quick conversion told me that 8–10 miles an hour translated to about 12 feet a second.

In other words, it would take a black racer two seconds to cross a road. Or one second to cross half a road.

Now, split that second, and give half to the moment between the point I couldn’t see over my hood and the point my front tires crossed the snake’s path.

Give the other half to the time it would take for me to clear that spot and see anything in my rear view mirror.

Conclusion #1: The snake made it across the road.

Conclusion #2: I made sense of the mystery.

Conclusion #3: My husband was right.

Conclusion #4: If you need an oil change or a snake check, go see Jordan at Express Oil Change by the Lowe’s hardware store on Battleground Avenue.

Yee yee.

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Shhh!

Learning to read (in) a room full of people

By Maria Johnson

A few years ago, an editor pitched me a column idea.

“You know what would be fun?” he said.

“What would be fun?” I asked, taking the bait.

“For you to go someplace where you couldn’t talk and write about it later,” he teased.

“Fun for you,” I shot back.

But I remembered that challenge when I saw a local calendar listing called “Greensboro Silent Book Club.” Here was my chance to be still and know . . . something.

I rang up the group’s founder, 32-year-old Maria Perdomo, who explained that she started the local SBC chapter in the fall of 2019 after hearing an NPR story about the first club in San Francisco.

Members brought their own books and read quietly in a shared space for an hour. Conversation before and after was optional. The practice spread and gelled into a national organization.

The concept made sense to Perdomo, who grew up in Colombia, in a culture that exalted storytelling. Her father, a writer, and her brother devoured books. By comparison, Perdomo was a literary slow-poke.

“It kinda kept me from wanting to engage with books in my own way,” she says.

Eventually, she found her way back to words. She started blogging while she was an international studies student at UNCG, and she yearned for a community of like-minded readers.

Cue the NPR story. Perdomo checked the SBC website — “Welcome to introvert happy hour,” it trumpets quietly — and saw a chapter in the Triangle, but nothing in the Triad. So she and a friend started a monthly meet-up in Greensboro’s independent book store, Scuppernong.

The group met a handful of times before COVID and resumed their regular hushed assemblies in 2023.

Every second Sunday of the month, they draw a core of 10 to 20 people, just enough to fill every seat in the comfortable space at the back of the store.

“My goal is to make it a space that’s not stressful,” says Perdomo, who now writes a Substack newsletter. “We hear all the time, ‘I’m a slow reader,’ but here no one is going to look down on you because you haven’t finished that massive book you started.”

I’m intrigued. I’m not an introvert, but I am a rather slow reader.

Also, my husband has just given me The Backyard Bird Chronicles, a nonfiction handbook by celebrated novelist Amy Tan. I tote the book to the next SBC meeting and take a short-term vow of silence.

Beforehand, Rachel Wasden, who leads the gathering in Perdomo’s absence, explains that people will show up with stories in a variety of platforms — traditional books, tablets, e-readers and audiobooks.

Once, a guy worked on writing his own book.

The point is, everyone will do their own thing, quietly, together.

“Every time I tell someone about it, they say, ‘That’s so weird. Why wouldn’t you read at home, in silence?’” Wasden says.

Her answer: It’s about choice. And energy, a precious commodity for introverts.

“You get to participate, or not participate, as much as you want,” she says.

The funny thing is, by the time I make it to the back of the store, these introverts — average age mid-30s — are chatting up a storm. Rachel asks folks to introduce themselves with names, pronouns and a short description of what they’re reading.

Jeff is working his way though The Greatest Beer Run Ever, the true account of a Vietnam vet who returns to the war as a sort of civilian beer fairy to U.S. troops.

Priya is reading Fairy Tales of Ireland.

Enid has brought the same book she brought last time, Notes on an Execution, the story of a serial killer’s life as seen through the eyes of women in his life. But she might crochet instead.

Kelli, a first-timer, is well into The Yellow Wallpaper.

Heaven, another first-timer, is nibbling away at Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet.

The reading list goes on. Rachel, who is plowing through She Who Became the Sun, a re-telling of the Chinese myth of Mulan, calls the meeting to order.

It’s 12:25 p.m., not that anyone is counting the minutes she’ll have to remain quiet.

Ready. Set. Silence.

Whoa. They weren’t kidding. Everyone is reading.

My attention snags on the store’s creaking wooden floorboards.

On the violin music that wafts through speakers at the front of the shop.

On the crispy whiff of pages turning.

I look up and scan the group. Does anyone want to . . . ?

Nope. All heads are down.

Surrounded by stories that I’m forbidden to tap via conversation, I wade into the book in my lap. It’s good stuff.

Tan, who, as a child, liked to draw and play in creeks, outgrew those joys as an adult. Only at age 64 did she sign up for a birding group that sketched their subjects in the field.

It makes me wonder: What could a “new thing” be for me? How long would it take to learn? And . . . what time is it now?

I check my phone. 12:49. Hmm.

Quite the variety of footwear we have in this circle. I need a pedicure. And who is that crooning on the speakers now? Andrea Bocelli?

I rub my eyebrows to reset. It occurs to me how much reading is like meditating, bringing focus to the moment, noticing how the mind wanders and reeling it in again. It also dawns on me why I’m a relatively slow reader.

Finally, Rachel speaks: “If you want to finish the page you’re on, we’ll come together in another minute or so.”

It’s 1:24 p.m.

I pretend to read for the last minute.

Rachel welcomes us back into communion with a prompt for discussion.

“Where does your mind go when you read?” she asks.

I can’t help but laugh. Silently, of course.  OH

Maria Johnson is a contributing editor of O.Henry magazine. Email her at ohenrymaria@gmail.com. Find an SBC chapter near you at silentbook.club. Maria Perdomo’s newsletter, “here I am,” can be found at mariamillefois.substack.com.

Life’s Funny

Life’s Funny

Smoothing out the Ruff Spots

Who’s training whom?

By Maria Johnson

Witness this exchange between two domestic partners:

Partner One really wants something, and pulls hard in that direction.

Partner Two, natch, pulls in the opposite direction.

This ticks off Partner One, who doubles down and lurches the other way.

Which prompts me —  I mean Partner Two —  to throw her entire weight the other way. And also to call Partner One a pig-headed so-and-so.

Finally, the trigger passes and things calm down, but both parties feel bruised and out of sorts.

This has been happening between me and our dog, Millie, for some time.

She also has been pulling like a sled dog during walks with my husband.

We need help.

We are not alone, as it turns out. Twenty of us gather one Saturday morning at Brad Howell’s downtown Greensboro business, Red Beard Dog Training.

We have two things in common: All of us yearn for more enjoyable walks with our canine companions, and all of us have left our pups at home, per Brad’s instruction.

This is owner training.

First clue.

We are all ears as Brad — yes, he has a red beard — begins a class called Leash Connections.

Assisting him is his human co-worker, Rylee, along with Brad’s pit bull mix, Dexter.

Brad rescued Dexter — a.k.a. Sexy Dexy —  from the SPCA 10 years ago to help him with his blossoming dog-training business.

Brad already knew a fair bit about animals. He grew up on a farm outside of Asheville, spending much of his time helping to raise beef cattle and playing baseball. Still active in adult leagues, he retains a casual athletic bearing.

On the day we go for training, he walks around the room barefoot, dressed in a T-shirt and basketball shorts, as he lays out the cold truth: Your relationship with your dog might never be what you thought it was going to be.

They’re their own creature.

So are you. Each of you comes with your own inclinations and experiences.

“You try to do the best you can for yourself and your dog, for your relationship,” he explains.

That includes what riles them, what soothes them and what they need to be happy. If your pup needs a lot of physical activity, it’s your job to give it to them.

It’s also your responsibility to buffer their stressors. Watch for raised hackles and tucked tails.

“You gotta know the animal you’re with,” Brad urges. “Don’t put your dog in a situation that you can tell, from watching their body language, they wouldn’t make.”

Another key: rewarding the slightest improvement in problem behavior.

“We’re looking for baby steps,” Brad says. “I’m gonna brag on my dog as soon as she gives me a reason to.”

Sexy Dexy demonstrates by walking, on a slack leash, to the left and slightly behind Brad.

“He’s probably looking pretty hard at my treat pouch,” Brad says, smiling.

Indeed, Dexy is staring a hole in the small plastic box belted to Brad’s left hip.

His patience pays off. He snags a nibble of kibble and a hearty “Yes!”

In Brad’s world, positive reinforcement is a valuable tool.

So are negative consequences — and giving dogs enough time and consistency to figure them out.

Brad passes around a slip lead, similar to the looped cords that veterinarians often use as leashes.

He invites us to place the loop over one wrist, pull the cord with the other hand and see how little pressure it takes to feel uncomfortable.

Playing the role of unruly pooch, Rylee offers her wrist for a demo.

If she pulls, she feels the pressure.

If she wants to relieve the pressure, she has to step toward Brad. He doesn’t need to yank the cord. He just needs to stand firm. Rylee is in control of how much pressure she feels.

What if she continues to pull?

Brad’s next move seems counterintuitive. He steps toward Rylee, giving her slack.

If Rylee lurches again, she’ll feel pressure again, proportionate to how hard she pulls.

“I want them to control the level of consequence they get,” he explains.
With enough reps, Brad assures us, even the most stubborn pup will understand that she is causing a large part of her own discomfort — and she has the power to relieve it.

The room glows with imaginary light bulbs switching on over human heads.

Later, at home, we try a slip lead with Millie, our wee, atomic-powered hound.

She catches on quickly.

We are the slackers who miss chances to reward her when she does something right. We struggle to stay calm and consistent when she lunges.

It would be so much easier to point the paw at her.

But it’s increasingly clear that Millie will change her behavior if we change, too, by embracing the gospel according to Brad.

Trainer, train thyself.  OH

Maria Johnson is a contributing editor of O.Henry magazine. Email her at ohenrymaria@gmail.com.