Sazerac January 2025

SAZERAC

Letters

In response to our August 2024 Unsolicited Advice regarding handwriting, Elaine Schenot penned this letter:

Window on the Past

We’re not just blowing smoke out of the stacks, the O.Henry office has moved to Revolution Mill, seen here in the late-’40s.

Sage Gardener

Visiting my daughter in Spain, standing in a market surrounded by gloriously red peppers and the ripest of tomatoes, I suddenly saw “a dirty, knobby, alien-looking root,” as one food writer describes it: Apium graveolens var. rapaceum, aka celeriac. A cousin of celery, fennel, carrots and parsnips, this bulbous, bumpy orb is my wife’s absolute favorite root vegetable, although I’ve often pointed out to her that celeriac is not a root but a hypocotyl. She counters, “Say that three times.” 

The hypocotyl, according to my dictionary, is that part of the stem beneath the stalks of the leaves and directly above the root. So, on that balmy Spanish evening we had hypocotyl remoulade, a classic French dish that Anne first discovered in a Paris automat. She chose what she thought was slaw; instead, she discovered something sublime. Since then, she’s been on a long journey — completely unsuccessful — of trying to grow celeriac.  “One English gardener says ‘Celeriac is easy to grow,’” I tell her.“‘Hardier and more disease-resistant than celery.’” Says Anne, “You’ll recall that we’ve never been able to grow celery.”

Over the years, she’s told everyone who’ll listen about ordering the seeds and putting them into grow pots, only to have not a single one come up. The next year, she decided our wood stove-heated house was too cold, so she invested in a grow mat; voila, that spring she coached three spindly seedlings out of the pots! Nursed  like the first borns they were, one of them survived transplanting. Thus, we harvested our treasured, first celeriac, a hypocotyl feast about the size of a black walnut. The following year was no better, so nowadays Anne resignedly buys them wherever she can get them, most reliably at Super G Mart on Market.

Among the oldest of “root” vegetables, celeriac was painstakingly cultivated, not for its stalks like celery, but for that unshapely, but oh-so-tasty bulb between the stem and the squiggly, anemic roots.

References date back to Mycenean Linear B. Homer mentions “selinon” (the Greek word for celeriac) in both the Iliad and Odyssey. Romans and Egyptians prized celeriac for its medicinal benefits, and one writer suggests the root was also used in religious ceremonies, though, for the life of me, I can’t imagine how. By 1623, the French, naturellement, were eating them. Soon, Europeans all over the continent were julienning, grating and slicing them. Americans, not so much.

Nevertheless, one of Martha Stewart’s acolytes proclaims that “celeriac is having a moment,” and points out that market forecasts for 2024 suggested a 42 percent increase in sales year to year. (No hoarding, please.) She quotes various celebrity chefs enthusing over the ugly bulb, celeriac puree in particular. If you like carrots, parsnips, fennel or turnips, especially combined with a comforting and slightly earthy note, you’ll likely like celeriac. Now that we’ve transitioned from our wood stove to central air, I’m hoping my favorite gardener will get out the grow mat, hatch a plethora of wee sprouts and nurse them into transplants that will, with any luck, grow into the ugliest vegetables in our garden — and on the planet.    — David Claude Bailey

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Thank you to all who entered our 2024 O.Henry Essay Contest, with the theme, “Furry, Feathered and Ferocious.” We put out the call — of the wild — and your stories had us laughing, crying and snuggling with our own animals a little more tightly. With so many delightful entries, our task was beastly, but we’re pleased to have chosen three engaging essays that will appear in our pages throughout this year. Without further ado, your 2024 winners:

First Place: Eric Schaefer, “Harriet”
Second Place: Karen Watts, “The Mummification of Leapy the Lizard”
Third Place: Dianne Hayter, “Questers”

Thank you to all who entered our 2024 O.Henry Essay Contest, with the theme, “Furry, Feathered and Ferocious.” We put out the call — of the wild — and your stories had us laughing, crying and snuggling with our own animals a little more tightly. With so many delightful entries, our task was beastly, but we’re pleased to have chosen three engaging essays that will appear in our pages throughout this year. Without further ado, your 2024 winners:

Unsolicited Advice

A new year is a great opportunity to take stock of the many blessings in your life and let go of the things that aren’t serving you — yes, we’re talking about your refrigerator. That cranberry relish your dad brought over to pair with your Thanksgiving turkey during the Obama administration? Toss it. The high-protein yogurt you just bought to ring in 2025 as the best version of yourself ever? Keep it. At least for now, while you’re still full of hope. But those 17 jars of mustard alone? Pare ’em down. Here’s our list of the five essential mustards every house needs. The rest can go.

1. American yellow: She’s basic. Her fav shirt reads, “Go sports!” But she’s reliable and hasn’t met a hot dog she can’t improve.

2. Dijon: She rides around in limos and speaks with an elegant British accent. Her fav show is Bridgerton, but she’s also a fan of the 1995 Pride and Prejudice miniseries that starred Colin Firth. It’s unAmerican not to use Grey Poupon, si’l vous plaît.

3. Whole grain: This one screams, “I’ve got grit,” and hangs out in your local deli with Kosher pickles. She’s too hardworking to care if there’s anything stuck in her teeth.

4. Honey: She’s sweet and tangy. When invited to a potluck dinner, she brings warm, gooey sticky buns.

5. Spicy brown: She’s the Spice Girl (Mustard Spice, duh) that was cut from the group for being too bold and standing out. Sadly, her solo career went nowhere because she’s better when mixed with others.

Life’s Funny

LIFE'S FUNNY

Lovin’ Spoonfuls

How a well-known Greensboro chef changed his menu and his life

By Maria Johnson

January is a good time to talk about John Drees for a couple of reasons.

A freshly unwrapped year is all about new beginnings, which Drees, 60, knows something about.

Also, January is National Soup Month (sorry, Souptober), and that points to Drees in his latest incarnation as Chef Soup, boss of a small-batch business that sells frozen quarts of savory spoonfuls from The Corner Farmers Market, the open-air bazaar where, most Saturday mornings, Drees pitches his canopy in the parking lot of St. Andrews Episcopal Church in Greensboro.

If you had a really good arm, you could throw a rock from here and hit the vacant single-story building where Drees first made a name for himself in the Gate City 40 years ago. Many people fondly recall the scrumptious meals he dished out at Southern Lights Bistro on Smyres Place in Sunset Hills.

“I have a whole different perspective now,” says Drees, who looks to be permanently flushed from decades of stovetop steam baths. Surrounded by the coffee-sipping, fleece-and-jeans crowd at the market, it’s notable that he does not look pretentious in a white apron and black skull cap. He looks relaxed and well practiced. He ought to.

“I was the fool that worked seven days a week for 35 years,” he says. “You weren’t gonna outwork me. I didn’t know better at the time.”

A native of Greensboro, Drees popped up at Southern Lights as a cook in 1985. Soon, he bought into the business, which flourished with stylish farm-fresh food, a chummy chalk-board atmosphere and reasonable prices.

Chef J.B.D. had a hot hand.

He was a regular on WFMY-TV’s morning-show cooking segment with the late Lee Kinard.

He played a part in launching Prizzi’s, an Italian cafe in Quaker Village; The Edge, a Tate Street bar; Nico’s, a fine Italian place downtown; and 1618 West Seafood Grille, which still reels in diners on Friendly Avenue. He also spun off a satellite of Southern Lights in Winston-Salem.

In time, Drees clung only to Southern Lights in Greensboro, which he moved to a Lawndale Drive shopping center in 2010. Business was skinny but sustainable until COVID body-slammed restaurants in the spring of 2020. Drees closed his doors to diners and snapped off the lights for good that summer, ending a remarkable 35-year run.

The hard stop did him good. He was surprised at how much he enjoyed taking long walks and having time to chat about topics unrelated to business.

“I didn’t realize until the pandemic that there was so much more to life than working,” he says. “I was having flashbacks to when the kids were little, and I had Sundays off.”

He took a year to stir the question of what to do next. With three adult children, he didn’t need as much income as before, but he needed to beef up his retirement account.

He’d lived long enough to watch friends and family die sooner than expected, so he knew that time was his most precious commodity. But he wanted to spend some of it working. Nobody needed to tell him that he was really good at what he did.

He thought about opening a soup-salad-and-sandwich shop downtown in 2021, but foot traffic still lagged, and reliable employees were hard to come by.

He pared down his idea.

“I wanted soup to be the star of the show,” he says.

He explored the idea of selling soup to retirement homes, and that’s when he learned that most of the seniors’ soups were bought frozen and warmed to life again.

“A light went off,” he says.

He whipped up 80 quarts of soup — six flavors led by his signature tomato basil — poured them into cardboard take-out cups, stuck them in a freezer and carted the frosty blocks to the Corner Market in February of 2022.

He sold 60 of them.

“I said, ‘OK, this is a thing,’” he recalls.

Six months later, he added online ordering and home delivery. Today, internet sales have almost caught up with face-to-face sales, thanks to a social media presence driven by his fianccée, Nancy Cunningham, who handles marketing for Grandover Resort.

Orders spike when she teases “Souper Tuesday” — buy three quarts, get a fourth free — on Facebook and Instagram.

Drees will keep his market table for the revenue and in-person feedback, but he’s keen to grow the delivery side.

“I think [Amazon founder] Jeff Bezos was on to something, starting with, I get paid before I even pull out of the driveway,” he says. “I’m modernizing myself, but keeping it as basic and simple as I can.”

Relishing his elastic schedule, Drees cooks and delivers three to four days a week, more or less if needed. He hovers over every batch with help from two part-timers at Short Street Gastro Lab, a shared kitchen space in Kernersville. 

With a repertoire of 80 recipes, he offers eight to 12 flavors at the market every week. He posts four online. Standing over a tilt skillet, basically a flat-top grill with straight sides and a crank to tip the bed, Drees makes cooking for the masses look easy. Ten gallons of cheesy potato-and-ham soup coming up.

He fires up the skillet and slicks it with glugs of olive oil. In goes a bag of bacon bits; anyone who eats ham isn’t going to fuss about bacon. Next up: chopped cooked ham, onions, celery and carrots, which Drees flips and scrapes with a giant spatula until both the meat and veggies wear a shiny brown crust. He douses the sizzle with water to deglaze the pan.

A fragrant, hissing fog rises. Dried dill comes to life. Pails of quartered red potatoes simmer to softness. A blend of cheeses  — cheddar, Monterrey Jack, American and cream — relaxes into a velvety matrix.

With both hands, Drees grasps a 2-foot-long immersion blender — it looks more like a gardening tool than kitchen utensil — and starts rowing. The cheese and potato lighten the mixture as he churns. Finally, he dips a spoon and closes his eyes so that he can read the taste and texture with his mouth, not his eyes.

“Needs more water,” he says.

Thinned to his satisfaction, Drees hands off the vat to a helper while he leaves to make a delivery nearby.

Four days later, at market, the rib-sticking soup goes for $13 a quart.

Drees’ youngest child, Jonas, rings up customers on an iPad.

Standing behind Jonas, Drees is fenced by a ring of ice chests holding his wares. He faces in the direction of the original Southern Lights. It’s hard to believe so much time has passed since he started there, he says. It was like another lifetime.

What would he tell his younger self, knowing what he knows now?

“Don’t take yourself so seriously,” he says, pressing his lips into a Mona Lisa smile. “Life is too short to worry about work and making money all the time. Work will take care of itself.”

Tea Leaf Astrologer

TEA LEAF ASTROLOGER

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Write down these words and revisit them often: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. We all know you’re capable of scaling treacherous heights. But at what cost? Your life force is precious. When Venus enters your sign toward the end of the month, things look seriously dreamy in the romance department (rock-steady commitment paired with the warm-and-fuzzies). Here’s the catch: You’re going to have to wreck your own heart wall.

Tea leaf “fortunes” for the rest of you:

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Dare you to read just for pleasure.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Try googling power pose.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Don’t forget: A seed can lay dormant for years.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Refine your spice cabinet.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The system needs a reboot.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Delete the app.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The last sip is the sweetest.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It’s time to dust off the old you-know-what.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Conditions are ripe for cuddling.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Release what wants to go.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Consider swapping out that lamp.

Poem January 2025

POEM JANUARY 2025

Still Life

Entering that gallery so many years ago,
I spotted a gem, the perfect fit
for the remaining blank space
on one wall in my living room.

It’s a small piece, really,
to dominate such a large room —
two slender pale yellow vases,
each graced with a modest bouquet
of brilliant orange hibiscus blooms,
set off within an ornate gold frame,
which glistens whether bathed
by the afternoon sun or more simply,
in the reflected light of a nearby lamp.

When I return to my apartment
after dinner, I sometimes amuse myself
by spinning a backstory for the painting:
a peace offering from a contrite beau
who’s wounded his sweetheart,
a birthday gift from a loving daughter
to honor her hard-working single mother.
But always it welcomes me home,
and reminds me I’m still here.

—Martha Golensky

Chaos Theory

CHAOS THEORY

Going for Baroque

And finding the audacity to do it

By Cassie Bustamante

While I think that the best guiding light in life is trusting your own intuition, I’m always looking to others to show me what’s possible. When I was a child, Miss Piggy was my idol. Strong, ambitious, witty, fashionable and — though some may say it was just lipstick on a pig — she was beautiful. My mom even stitched an image of her that adorned my bedroom wall and read, “My beauty is my curse.” No, she wasn’t a traditional looker, but she held her own with confidence.

When I started dipping my brush into the DIY world, I discovered designer Dorothy Draper. And I might be the first person to compare her to a Muppet, but Draper seemed to march with certainty to her own beat, too. Though Draper died in 1969, five years before Miss Piggy’s snout ever graced American television sets, I am sure she’d have been a fan. They’re both what kids today would call “extra.”

Born into wealth in 1889 New York, Draper drew from a world of historic design styles that she had at her fingertips and unapologetically made her own. Her iconic style, which she coined “Modern Baroque,” features bold color, audacious mixing of loud patterns and plaster architectural flourishes rarely repeated today. Everything was over the top — and yet it worked.

Draper once pronounced, “I believe in doing the thing you feel is right. If it looks right, it is right.” Her trademark aesthetic prevailed because she trusted her intuition. Blazing a trail for others, she became the very first commercial interior designer. Her work can still be appreciated today at some elaborate and expansive hotels that remain almost exactly as she designed them.

Last year, I was invited as a media guest — among a couple hundred attendees total — to the Dorothy Draper Design Weekend held annually at The Greenbrier, the iconic resort in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia, just a few hours north of Greensboro. Draper took on the design of The Greenbrier in 1946. And, in the late 1950s, “Mr. Color,” Carleton Varney, joined her company, became her protegé and eventually bought Dorothy Draper Design Co. in the late ’60s. He passed away in 2022, but his sons, Sebastian and Nicholas, are keeping the brand’s — and their father’s — legacy alive. In fact, the company celebrates its centennial anniversary this year.

As someone who had long admired Draper’s work, especially her iconic España chest, I was thrilled to take in her daring design with my own two eyes.

My guest room enveloped me in greens: minty walls, a tonal checkered carpet, a green-and-pink quilt featuring roses and — my favorite part — emerald Francie & Grover fabric, named after Carleton Varney’s dogs.

For the first official weekend event, I hopped on a shuttle over to the on-site upholstery workshop, where seamstresses and upholsterers worked on vintage hotel furnishings and whipped up draperies. Bolts upon bolts of fabric lined large tables as well as the walls, organized by color. High upon a shelf, I spied a tattered Easter Bunny head, once part of a costume. I asked one of the upholsterers about it and he said it had come to the shop years ago for repairs, but a new costume was ordered instead. So instead of ending up at the local dump, there sat the shell of a rabbit head, staring blankly at the workers. Draper did once say, “I always love a controversial item. It makes people talk.”

The rest of the weekend was a whirl of creative, hands-on activity. Rudy Saunders, the company’s design director, led a session on pattern mixing. The hotel’s florist taught an arrangement workshop. We toured the entire property. As someone who actually prefers warm neutrals, I was in awe of the on-site chapel, an archaic structure of white with rustic wooden beams, flooring and pews. Its spartan features allowed the vibrant stained-glass windows to, well, shine. Second to that, I was floored by — wait for it — the Victorian writing room. Dark, moody walls paired with a vibrant red carpet, a convex Federal mirror above an elaborately carved marble fireplace? A girl could write in there.

And North Carolina author Joy Callaway agrees. In fact, she was inspired by the hotel itself to pen The Grand Design, a historical-fictional novel about Draper’s life and work at The Greenbrier. Callaway, who has written several novels, both romance and historical fiction, gave a talk over the weekend about her book and what fuels her creativity. Like Draper did for so many decorators, Callaway did for me — I could catch a glimmer of my own future in her.

I don’t have a crystal ball to know what lies ahead, of course. But I can look to the trailblazers who have climbed to the summit, turned around and shone their torch on the path ahead for me and others. And I know, with certainty, that I can trust my inner voice. Like Draper — and with the confidence of a certain refined swine — I will keep doing the thing that I feel is right. 

A Cottage by the College

A COTTAGE BY THE COLLEGE

A Cottage by the College

Jane Green, neighborhood happiness broker

By Cynthia Adams     Photographs by Amy Freeman

I was outside yesterday working in the yard, and a young girl came by and said, ‘I love your house so much! I stop and look at it every day. I hope one day to have a house just like this,’” says Jane Green, who squeezed a small house on an incredibly tiny lot in the historic College Hill neighborhood. She also squeezed in an inordinate amount of happiness in the process.

“I have met so many nice young people living here. I felt, ‘Wow. That’s such a nice thing to say,’” she says, smiling widely as her eyes fill. 

With a well-trafficked sidewalk bustling with passing UNCG students, Jane frequently enjoys porch time, befriending neighbors — even those happening by whom she may never know.

During the summer, a bubble machine installed on the front yard telegraphs Jane’s contagious happiness. A riot of flowers tumbles from planters and tin buckets; pale lavender petunias, lavender and herbs prevail.

By fall, pansies replace petunias, planted in abundance and the porch, an outdoor living room complete with hanging lanterns, table and chairs, rocker and cheerful swing, is dressed according to the season. It is Jane’s favorite place to be.

She has triumphantly brokered joy into her life.  Like the pansies she admires, Jane blooms where she is planted. Resilient little pansies recover “even when frozen in a block of ice. Don’t give up on them!” 

She sometimes looks back as she is leaving home, to reassure herself it is all real. 

“That it’s still there,” Jane says wonderingly.

The best stories often start with serendipity. In the Greens’ case, unseen hands helped them along the way from the time they relocated to Greensboro from New Jersey in order to be closer to their adult children and their growing families.

Yet a shadow eclipsed the Greens’ sunny home last year when Richard succumbed to a debilitating illness four year after creating their pared-to-perfection cottage. Long married, Jane has spent the past year recalibrating, adjusting to life on her own. 

As a couple, meals were a communal time. She missed that deeply when freshly bereaved. It was over dinners that the Greens processed the events of their lives.

“You talk about the day. The kids. You’re there.”

Naturally slender, she forced herself to eat after losing her husband.

“You know, the first time I had to sit and eat alone, that was hard for me. I’d never thought about that. That took a lot of getting used to,” acknowledges Jane. 

“So, I ate outside [on the porch] and it made me feel better. For several weeks I did that. Kids were going by, they knew me, and I was able to get over that.” 

There is a wistful pause. Even so, Jane remains the optimist on the block, a consequence of a close-knit family and actively cultivating a sense of belonging. More than a few longevity experts say such a sense of community is an essential ingredient of a healthful life.

“Your friends are important.” But so are neighbors, she explains.

Instinctually, Jane grins. “I like it just where I am,” she says, gesturing towards the front yard as students pass a white picket fence, part of the house’s charm initiative.

“The only part that bothers me is that they move on . . .” she adds wistfully. “But you get new ones,” she reminds herself. Despite loss, Jane persists, offsetting what might have been consuming loneliness.

Such boundless enthusiasm has made Jane a self-appointed booster for College Hill, downtown Greensboro, the Tanger Center, the City of Greensboro (especially City planner Mike Cowhig) and the students at UNCG.   

Notably, too, her positive thinking seems to manifest good things.

Long before the Greens built their dream house, Jane kept a picture of a cottage torn from a Montgomery Ward catalog for future reference. She loved the simple, vintage charm. To her mind, it appeared cozy, friendly and welcoming.

Longing eventually inspired Jane and Richard to build their future Greensboro home in a historic district, where the lots were smaller and better suited to the cottage proportions. 

They considered rehabbing other properties. But the Greens ultimately hoped to find an economical, buildable lot within Greensboro. 

A lot that had been donated to the College Hill Neighborhood Association languished. College Hill resident Dan Curry, a member of its board and with long experience with Housing and Community Development, thought it could be viable. It was largely viewed as unbuildable, he acknowledges.

Even some city officials doubted it was sufficiently large enough to build. Yet Curry thought it could be done.

Empty and littered with refuse, 3,500-square-feet of land was once the entrance to a foundry. It had slowly devolved into an eyesore. 

Curry and Cowhig, who worked with historic districts, arrived at a solution that would check several boxes and pacify residents who complained about the problematic lot. It would require coordinating a new build with various factions.

Both men believed the right project could be slipped onto the lot (called “infill”) and restore the 1800s historic streetscape to a more congruent, appropriate reality. “They [the Greens] had to overcome so many obstacles to make it happen,” says Cowhig, and it took two years to resolve. 

But it would have to be just the right-sized house. 

Not too big, not too small — a Goldilocks fit.

Yet even the Greens’ first look at the lot was singularly unfavorable. 

Jane says bluntly, “It was a garbage pit.” But the Greens understood that the lot might be just large enough for their downsized house, minus a private driveway. (Egress would be via an existing driveway to a UNCG-owned building behind the lot used by the drama department for prop building.)

Long accustomed to 2,500 square feet, the Greens planned a 950-square-foot build. Jane stresses that it was less than 1,000 square feet of living space “without the porch.” The porch, which they insisted upon, was crucial to expanding their living space and the desired cottage look. 

“I love a front porch,” Jane repeats, adding a happy sigh. With additional guidance from Summerfield contractor Gary Silverstein, the newbie build would appear right at home among historic homes more than a century older. 

Cowhig assured all involved the cottage would meet local standards and fit with neighboring homes.

While the Greens rented a home for 10 months in High Point, their daughter, Nicole, who lived in nearby Sunset Hills, helped them strategize and downsize in anticipation of the new cottage. 

They spent months going through a lifetime of stored possessions they had brought to North Carolina. Nudged by Nicole, they winnowed out extraneous possessions, and she arranged a tag sale. (The $600 proceeds would eventually pay for a small shed behind the new house.)

Silverstein had to work under less-than-ideal circumstances. The lot was on a busy street, close to UNCG. Construction workers had limited street parking as they ferried materials to the tiny site.

He went the extra mile, attending the planning board meetings before he even knew he had the job, Jane adds. Silverstein also took care of the cumbersome permitting requirements.

With tight building parameters, he had to improvise, using a crane in order to raise the roof rafters, reassuring watchful neighbors that their adjacent homes would be unscathed.

There was no room for error.

“He was wonderful, here working all the time.”

Silverstein completed the Greens’ new home on October 31, 2018. 

A beaming Jane adds, “He was on budget!”

Naturally, budget mattered to the active retirees, who opted to work part time jobs.  Richard worked nights as a security guard downtown, freeing days to pursue his lifelong passion for black-and-white street photography. Jane was hired by Our Lady of Grace, working with young school children. Both thrived. 

Six years later, much has changed at the Greens’ residence.

O.Henry photographer Bert VanderVeen, whose studio is nearby, had befriended Richard, admiring his striking black-and-white photography. 

He proposed having Richard’s first posthumous show and a reception in his honor at the studio, selling prints to benefit charity. 

The reception filled with college-age young people who knew Richard and Jane. The students bought almost all of Richard’s works and paid homage to their friend, who was a generation apart — or more — in age.

With the new year, Jane takes stock. While she admits there have been some difficulties without her partner of oh-so-many years, her much loved neighborhood has helped Jane remain contentedly in the home she and Richard built together.

Their mutual adaptability became a key factor in coping with transition and the inevitability of change.

“As you grow older, I think you have to choose a place where there’s activity,” she advises over a coffee on Tate Street, an easy walking distance from her cottage.

“Sure, you hear the fire engines, but after a while, you don’t even notice that stuff. I like being in a city. And I love being in a college town,” says Jane. “One day, I won’t be able to drive, but I can walk!”

She adds that as wonderful as she finds being in a lively place with access to downtown, being stuck “in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere” would have held little appeal.

“You need to be around people, especially now that I’m by myself.”

***

Furthering her commitment to the neighborhood, Jane maintains a Little Free Library. The replica of her cottage is stocked with books for anyone wandering by. Which reminds her: It presently needs restocking. “When I get really low, my daughter gets online and gets donations.” 

The library box serves as another way to meet people, she says, brightening. “They come to put books in and they talk to me.”  During the pandemic, she filled the box with canned goods rather than books to help financially strapped students. They profusely thanked her, Jane says, her eyes welling with tears.

With her coffee cup drained, Jane glances at her watch. She’s going apple picking with her grandchildren and daughter in law. Flats of multicolored pansies await on the porch. 

Pansies, she says admiringly, are cheerful flowers, who lift their faces to the sun.

Jane plants them every year; this year will be no different.

With that done, she’s planning for gingerbread trim below the eaves to punch up the cottage’s curb appeal. “Don’t you think that will look nice?” she asks. 

While attending a San Francisco wedding last summer, she and Nicole visited the landmark “painted ladies” for the first time and were charmed by the row of colorful historic homes.

Jane returned to College Hill, energized, ready to punch things up. “More yellow? Or more purple?” she asks, scrutinizing the two colors painted onto sample trim. 

Tweaking her already effusive, exceedingly happy home once again, Jane is happily absorbed.

“Do you like the yellow?” she asks hopefully. “I do.”

Home Grown

HOME GROWN

You Can’t Drive Miss Daisy Crazy

An AI granny has all the time in the world, dear

By Cynthia Adams

Deliberating between pillows on Etsy that read “Monday. Ce N’est Pas Mon Day” (“Monday. That’s not my day”) versus “Ce n’est pas mon jour de chance, j’imagine” (“Not my lucky day, I guess”), a radio segment put an end to my shopping.

The NPR segment was not about Mondays, the descending chill, nor the brooding mood of our nation. None of that. Certainly nothing about feathering the nest with needlepoint.

It was a tale about Daisy, the geriatric British robot.

Meet Daisy, an “AI granny” and clever creation of Virgin Media O2. With a voice imbued with grandmotherly kindness — and loneliness — she is designed to drive phone scammers insane. 

The creative project headed by Sir Richard Branson’s company comes to the aid of an estimated seven in 10 Brits victimized by elaborate and costly scams. To the delight of the citizens of the Realm, Daisy also wreaks satisfying revenge. 

Wearing sweaters and pearls (and the occasional rubber glove with a homey kitchen behind her), Daisy has a deceitful purpose, posing as “an AI pensioner specifically designed to waste the scammer’s time so we don’t have to.” 

Virgin Media’s logic? While scammers are entangled in Daisy’s good-natured, seemingly dimwitted patter, they cannot simultaneously scam innocents. She is a perfect diversion.

The grandmotherly image — of a woman in her 80s — addresses scammers, saying with a smile, “I’m your worst nightmare.” One exasperated scammer huffs, “I think your profession is trying to bother people,” to which Daisy sweetly replies, “I’m just trying to have a little chat.” 

To another who shouts that she has wasted “nearly an hour!” (her record for tying a would-be scammer in knots is 40-plus minutes), Daisy replies affably, “Gosh, how time flies!”

She spends it prattling on, pretending not to understand the scammer’s questions and instead speaking fondly of Fluffy, her cat. When an indignant scammer drops any pretense of goodwill and says, “Stop calling me ‘dear,’ you stupid &**#,” an unflappable Daisy responds, “Got it, dear.”

The AI pensioner possesses inhuman patience and can wear her opponent down. “Let’s face it, dears, I’ve got all the time in the world.”

Daisy is a technological wonder who arrived too late to help my Mama. At 85, Mama was scammed by a young man posing as her much-loved grandson, a mountain-climbing, river-rafting, adventure-seeking fella. The scammer purportedly called from a Mexican jail, where he posed as my nephew. He claimed to have been set up along with his young fellow travelers, falsely accused of marijuana possession. 

Without a word to anyone, Mama drove straight to Walmart with intentions to wire a contact $1,200 in bail money. As she completed the forms, a kindly Western Union clerk gently counseled her to reconsider and first call his family to confirm what she had been told. 

Naturally, the scammer had warned her not to tell anyone, or there would be retaliation. “But how would they know?” the clerk gently asked.

Mama was so undone she wept, but agreed to phone her daughter-in-law and have a conversation. Immediately, she learned it was a scam. She had been duped. Her grandson was not in Mexico, nor had he been. He was safely at home. 

Afterward, Mama was devastated at her gullibility. I made a point of returning to thank the Western Union clerk. She said it played out so frequently it was predictable. 

Come to think of it, Mama’s phone scam played out on a Monday before a kindly intervention stopped the scammer cold. Proving Monday was Mama’s lucky day after all! Shaking my head at the memory I returned to Etsy, placing the pillow in my cart.

Now if only a clever someone would offer a needlepoint of deliciously duplicitous Daisy . . .

Wandering Billy

WANDERING BILLY

Tales of a true Hill Billy

By Billy Ingram

I rang up my sister to wish her a happy birthday the other day and found her on the other end excitedly basking in a sentimental glow. It so happened she was visiting a friend who lives in the house where we grew up on Hill Street. When she told me this was a possibility at lunch earlier in the week, I suggested she ask if I could join them, reasoning I could cobble together a column for O.Henry out of what is a highly unusual experience. But when she brought up to her friend the possibility of my tagging along, the response was a resounding no. “We’ve read what your brother has written about our house.” Well . . . I never!

Or maybe I did, you decide.

I have nothing but fond memories of roaming the two blocks of Hill Street north of Wendover in Latham Park (Irving Park adjacent, in modern parlance) as a carefree youngster. I’d tromp along searching for adventure (existing solely in our imaginations) with my brother, sister and the neighborhood youths who all seemed to move away after a short two or three years. In a Mayberry-like cliche, it wasn’t until I was a teenager and we had moved into Irving Park proper that my father had a key made for the front door on Hill — just to pass on to its new owner. We’d never had one before, the place remaining unlocked even when we were away on two-week vacations.

Our Mema, as we called my father’s mother, resided on the corner of Hill and Northwood in a charming Tudor-inspired cottage. Almost daily, she would stroll from her place to ours, cradling a wicker basket filled with cakes, pies or silver dollar country ham biscuits, a gingham cloth covering those baked goods. The stuff of Norman Rockwell paintings.

I wondered, how could I have offended my sister’s friend with my quaint remembrances shared in an article written nine years ago? Surely not when I told readers about what was referred to as “The Snake Pit” located at the end of our driveway. Folks loved my gregarious parents who, until I was born and torpedoed the party, actually drove around in a school bus they had retrofitted into a rolling nightclub. On Hill Street, around sundown on warm nights, about a dozen young adults, many of whom I suspect should have been home with their babies, would congregate, guzzling Old Grand Dad or downing beers, laughing hysterically at heaven knows what, while upstairs we were attempting to sleep. Witnessing this spectacle, one Irving Park socialite remarked, “I don’t know who wrote Tobacco Road, but I know where he was standing when he thought it up!” Pull tabs yanked and discarded from Miller High Life cans littered the driveway each morning, so many I once made a chain mail vest out of them.

Was my faux pas revealing that our 70-year-old next-door neighbor was fond of sunbathing in the nude? Daphne Lewis left this realm ages ago, so that shouldn’t be a thorny issue today. Then again . . . maybe it is. Mrs. Lewis harangued her husband so loudly at night, we heard every word clearly inside our home. One imagines his death was a welcome reprieve when it mercifully came. When Mrs. Lewis passed away a few years later, I helped her sister clear out the house while, the entire time, random objects fell off of shelves in rooms we weren’t in. For all I know, Daphne’s restless spirit may still be tossing tchotchkes to the floor in that residence.

Was it the story of brazen Mrs. Bunn, living directly across the street, that was so distasteful? Forty-something and attractive, I spent hours sitting on her front steps while Mrs. Bunn chain smoked, bitching about married life. Like Bette Davis in The Letter, from her porch perched above, Mrs. Bunn emptied a .22 snubnose into her husband one steamy September evening around dusk. He fell dead in the middle of the road between our homes. My first instinct was to rush across the street to see if she was okay, which my dad and I did after waiting a respectable few minutes. Wish I could find the Polaroids I took of my siblings posing inside the chalk outline of the body that police left sketched on the pavement — relatively tasteful pics, I’m certain. After exercising her Second Amendment right to a speedy divorce, Mrs. Bunn moved to the Sunshine State with her son and a boyfriend who had appeared on the scene before the proverbial gun smoke cleared.

Further up the block, a businessman shot and killed a perceived peeping Tom perched outside the couple’s bedroom window. We were told he was an unfortunate teenager who managed to stagger back toward his nearby home before expiring.

As kids, we wandered in and out of everyone’s backyards without any consideration for boundaries or property lines. Almost every house had two-story garages that served as our clubhouses, whether homeowners were aware of it or not. The side yard removed from 1102 Hill Street when Wendover was widened in the mid-1960s was a jungle-like wooded area we dubbed “Tarzanland” for the interwoven vines we swung from, descending from ivy-covered trees. You can still see the weathered remnants today. Across the street was a backyard shrine with an ornate bird bath, crowned with a statue of Christ, that we called “Jesusland,” where we’d linger a bit and pray. For Pixie Stix and Wacky Packages, no doubt.

Northwood, traversing downward from Grayland Street, past Hill, then Briarcliff Road leading into Latham Park, was one the city’s greatest sledding spots whenever the city experienced its numerous major snow and ice events. Back then, that was just about every winter. On those corners, teenagers, all but obscured under unrelenting, swirling, nighttime whiteouts, stood around metal trash cans — every home was required to have one — serving as bonfire bins, swigging potables possibly purloined from Pop’s liquor cabinet. The city didn’t bother plowing neighborhood streets then, creating a children’s paradise whenever a few inches of snowfall shut down the town. There was so much frozen precipitation when I was younger, my father would equip one of the cars with snow tires from November until March.

Heartstring-tugging tales, all of them. I’m astonished anyone presently living on Hill Street would be offended. Even with sidestepping the occasional corpse, this was a wonderful neighborhood to grow up in, inhabited with kind and loving neighbors, family and folks who became lifelong friends. An idyllic place to live to this day, one imagines.

Heck, I’m not the sentimental type. I was mostly curious if that deep hole I dug tunneling to China was still behind the garage and whether any misshapen mole creatures ever crawled out of it. As I’m writing this, I related some of these childhood stories to a good friend, who quipped dismissively, “No wonder you go around in life acting like the rules don’t apply to you.”With much trepidation, Billy Ingram wishes everyone a very happy new year. To paraphrase the aforementioned Bette Davis, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!” 

Birdwatch

BIRDWATCH

Oh, Canada

The goose who came to dinner

By Susan Campbell

That unmistakable honk — we have all heard it. Especially near golf courses, public parks or bodies of water. Canada geese can be found just about anywhere in our state. Their tan bodies, long black necks and heads with the characteristic white “chin strap” are unmistakable. Males, or ganders, are a bit larger than the females, referred to as geese, but other than that, the sexes appear identical. Pairs do remain together for life. However, if need be, they will seek a new mate in late winter. These handsome birds are vegetarians and well adapted to a variety of wet habitats.

At this time of year, aggregations of Canadas can number from hundreds into thousands of birds. Sadly, however, most of the birds are not wild individuals. The geese you are most likely to encounter are the descendants of farm-raised Canadas that were introduced for hunting during the first half of the last century. With no parents to show them where to migrate to and from, they immediately became sedentary, hence our ability to encounter these large waterbirds on any day of the year.

For many years, Canada geese were the most abundant of the larger migratory waterfowl wintering on our Coastal Plain. Tundra swans and snow geese were in the minority. Then as food became more abundant to the north — specifically as a result of agricultural practices around the Chesapeake Bay — the birds began short-stopping in the 1980s.

Concurrently, the number of snow geese has increased. There is greater availability of food on the tundra during the breeding season, with a decreasing snowpack as temperatures have increased. And in the winter, there is less in the way of competition from Canadas. Snow geese are leerier of hunters and not so easily fooled by decoys as they were 30 years ago. Swans, too, are far more challenging to hunt. Therefore, the number of birds surviving to breed come spring has boosted population numbers.

If you know where to go, you can encounter wild Canada geese in North Carolina, though the locations are restricted to our coast. The larger wildlife refuges, such as Pungo, Mattamuskeet and Alligator River, host birds from up north each winter. These birds are as skittish as our local birds are tame. Although there is waterfowl hunting on these properties, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is careful to limit both the days and the areas where hunting occurs. The majority of the acreage of these federal lands is truly a refuge for these and other species of waterfowl during the winter months.

Habitat on the refuges, as well as much of the adjacent state and private property, is managed to attract wintering swans and ducks in addition to geese. Cover crops such as corn, millet and a variety of native perennials are carefully fostered during the growing season as food sources for the visiting birds. Fields are flooded right before the flocks arrive to provide safety from terrestrial predators, such as bobcats, coyotes and even red wolves. These impounded areas have dikes with water-control devices that maintain the desired depth. Additionally, public access is controlled to reduce human disturbance.

Should you go in search of wild geese, there is plenty of access for viewing. There is a long history of bird and wildlife-watching on our federal refuges. Birdwatching and photography are very popular activities — especially in winter when the number of birds is nothing short of spectacular. There are good maps of the walking trails and roads open for driving. Thousands of people flock to marvel at the phenomenon each year. Some of us head east to ogle waterfowl multiple times during the season.

Regardless of where you encounter Canada geese in the winter, be aware that other waterfowl may mix in to gain what we think of as the “safety-in-numbers” strategy. A lone snow goose, Ross’s goose or white-fronted goose may hang out with the Canadas for a few days or even a few weeks. This could be the case with the flock in your neighborhood. So the next time you pass a group of Canadas, it might be worth stopping to see if an unusual individual has joined the party.